Category: Totally Tatum

Good Friday has always carried a weight to it, but this year, it looked a little different inside our home.

THE LIGHT: we just love Ollie. He’s always so content in his little world…carefully saving the dark seeds and placing them on top of his “table.” We call them his brownies.
It’s his funny little quirk.

THE DARK: Coopy…well, Coopy felt something we couldn’t. We found him hiding in the dark in the bathroom, shaking. Some sound we couldn’t hear…something his little body could.
We just loved him through it.

AND TOT’S LIGHT would shine: She was deep in creation.

Cardboard, markers, clay, and cans….all over; Her version of beauty…a kind of “organized clutter” which she thrives on. (I’m kind of the opposite!)
She is now saving cans for her room decor.

(I guess this is how you justify all the bubble water…One soda a day, though…we’re holding that line.)
I don’t mind the chaos when it’s fueled by imagination. (only that she cleans it up so I don’t go completely bonkers with my OCD)

But the mess wasn’t about today. It was our home…holding a bit of everything. Joy, creativity, fear, stillness.

And isn’t that what Good Friday is?

A day that holds darkness but also knowing the end of the story. The chaos in the. midst of knowing; in the midst of hope…..Because Sunday is coming.

The moment everything fell apart… and then came back stronger

There are moments in parenting where everything in you wants to back down.
Not because you don’t know what to do… but because doing it might cost you the relationship.

The hardest part is seeing your daughter involved in something you never expected.
Everything in you wants to react….to explode, to fix it, to shut it down, or even to run away!

But, those moments need MORE attention than just a impulse reaction. It becomes a matter of settling yourself first…Breathing; having a conversation about having a conversation later…

And praying for wisdom before you move.

You seriously don’t know what to do because there is no rule book on parenting. The only “rule” I’ve tried to follow is this:

To love her well… and to guide her to love Jesus Christ more than she loves herself.
To empower her to make wise choices (always grounded in love).

And when I finally do act, I have to realize the risk is worth it.
Because if it’s rooted in love… it’s never the wrong move.

Man, it’s that tension between love and leadership.
Between wanting to protect their heart… and knowing you have to hold the line.

So, I waited. While she was at school, I constructed (through much prayer) a letter that basically gave me clarity. 

I ended up writing something that held both truth and love. I would then talk to her after school in a neutral location.

It sounded something like this:

I’ve been thinking about everything from last night. I want you to hear this first: 

I love you so much. Nothing about this changes that. And because I love you, I’m not going to be passive about this. My job is to protect you and help you make strong, safe decisions even when it’s uncomfortable.

I know part of this is just being 13… feeling curious, maybe flattered by attention, and not fully thinking about where something could go. 

That’s normal. Wanting to be noticed, valued, and chosen…that’s something God put in you. It’s not wrong.

(and then I went through WHAT WAS SO WRONG ABOUT what was happening..objectively as not to shame her)

(Then I continued): I also hear you that you don’t want to talk about it anymore. I get that. It’s uncomfortable. But I can’t ignore it, because this is about your safety

And I think part of why this kept going…and why you didn’t tell me everything….is because you knew it might mean losing freedom, and that’s hard. I understand that.

But I need honesty so I can actually protect you.

 Here’s what we’re going to do moving forward….

And then I gave her the consequence. 

(Then I continued)

This is about learning how to handle situations like this the right way.

And, here’s something I want you to learn, because it will protect you for the rest of your life…

Not everyone who gives you attention deserves access to you.

AND how you handle something…..the HARD times (your WORST DAYS) DEFINE who you are.

Some people will give attention in ways that are not respectful, not safe, and not aligned with who you are. So I want you to start asking yourself:

Does this make me feel respected… or just wanted?

Learning to listen to that voice inside you, the Holy Spirit. It doesn’t always happen perfectly right away. Sometimes that voice is quiet when emotions are loud. That doesn’t mean it’s gone…it just means we’re still learning how to follow it.

And then… I gave the consequence. And just like that, everything escalated. She chose to only hear the consequence.

It killed me, but I stayed calm, I held the boundary, and…

I chose to wait again.

We arrived at home, and she went into her bedroom, so angry.

I waited again.

What surprised me most wasn’t the resistance…
it was what came after.

She came to me with tears and a hug. She felt that love and protection, but it wasn’t in the moment. It was later. She felt relief. She felt free. She felt warm not walled up. 

We talked a bit more, and she really couldn’t stop hugging me and saying she loved me. 

Maybe the purpose of these moments isn’t to avoid conflict…
but to walk through it in a way that builds something stronger on the other side.

These are the times, you think that the boundaries may break the connection, but, as I told her, I’d rather have her hate me in the moment and do the right loving thing than to give her what she wanted at that moment. In hindsight, what she did want was what I actually did, and she even told me that. 

Kids don’t always like boundaries, but they often feel safer because of them. And for me the best thing I can do is to stay regulated and loving. 

And always when the moment passes; when emotions settle; 

That’s when we come back together, and we talk it through.

I love you Tatum Hay.

Seven years of him. This adorable little face (that stares you down until you give in).

There would be NO big production today.

Daddy walked through the door, and that was it…birthday excitement officially started.
Coopy couldn’t contain himself. (but neither could Daddy).

I’ll be honest… I didn’t have it in me to bake anything.

So we improvised.
Ice cream. Whipped cream. Plus who wouldn’t trade a cake for ice cream…Yes, I’m his mom, and anything cream is my love language.

For a brief, glorious moment, he experienced what can only be described as pure joy…
like he had unlocked a level of life previously unknown.

And honestly…
after that?

There’s just no going back to lentil and liver dog food.

Would you?

Coopy is…a lot. In the best way. He’s our little mood lifter, our source of laughter and joy. BUT he’s also a bit annoying at times. He thinks EVERYTHING is a lollypop.

Honestly, if a robber broke in, we wouldn’t worry.
He wouldn’t attack.

He’d just…lick them to death.

So yes. That’s our security system.

He deserved a gift…the BEST TOY EVER gift right?
I made one critical mistake. Yes, this small little innocent pineapple would be the source of all of our pain for the evening.

Like, why does it do that?

It was cute for about 10 seconds.
Then it became…a situation.

At one point, he dropped it right between my legs and just stood there…waiting.
Like, “You know what to do.”

I ignored him.

He carried it to his little house before bed…
and left it there.

So it would be waiting for him when he woke up.

Seven years of this little life…this HUGE piece of comfort, laughter, chaos, and love.

He doesn’t ask for anything fancy.
Just presence.
And a few ear rubs.

And we love you more than you could ever understand.

Happy 7th Birthday SWEET COOPYHEAD!

Being together all day used to feel hard. When Tatum was being homeschooled, our days were long. I wasn’t feeling well, and yet I was trying to be everything at once; mom, teacher, counselor, encourager. The “teacher hat” never quite fit the way I wanted it to. It brought a lot of pressure and (from me) expectations. And if I’m being honest… it brought tension.

And I remember wondering… is this just how it’s going to be?

But, this Spring Break, we spent every single day together.…yes 24/7.

And there has been a SHIFT.

There has been…..ease.

She wanted to be with me constantly. (not complaining here) Not because she had to… but because she wanted to. And that alone felt like a quiet miracle.

Together, it was light, fun, and we laughed. A LOT.
The kind of laughter where you don’t even realize how much you needed it until it’s happening.

At one point (okay… multiple points), we would say the exact same thing at the exact same time while watching a show. Same comment. Same question.

And we’d both stop, look at each other and say,
“STOP BEING ME!!” (and then laughed some more.

Precious Moments.

This has been the last part of Spring Break. …no big plans. Just us hanging out, and the pressure was off. Just us… at home.

She’d play her video games (celebrating)

I’d work or have to rest.

And of course… Coopy was never far. Always part of our day. Looking glum actually…So we’d give him Pickle.

We did add someone new to the mix:

Pringle, the Capybara. Now Pickles has a friend.

Coopy still favors Pickle

And today… Saturday, March 21… her Spiritual Birthday. (She was baptized on Mar 21, 2022 with her Dad (my HHH).

We celebrated simply….just like the week.

I got her a few more marine biology treasures stickers, little things that light her up. And we picked up our tiles from As You Wish.

If I could put one word to this part of Spring Break, it would be this:

Restoration.

Relationally. We needed this.

And I’m so grateful that we had this time together.

I love you Tot. So grateful for you. (and thank you for Pita!…and reminding me not to leave her. )

Today is Wednesday.

Tatum is home for Spring Break, and earlier this week we had some really sweet, fun days together (see SB Part 1). But today was different.

She woke up sore from getting her braces tightened, and I woke up not feeling like myself at all. (I don’t want to say my usual, but it happened to be one of the harder days for me). By the time she came out for breakfast (LATE), I was already struggling. I had been up, trying to stay upright, trying to push through, but honestly… I just wanted to go back to bed.

We sat together and worked on her book that she’s editing, but I could feel my body not cooperating, so I finally told her, “I need to lay down for a bit.”

A little while later, she came in to check on me.

And I started to cry.

I said, “I’m sorry about this, Taties… I wanted to do something fun today.”

She didn’t hesitate. She just hugged me and said,
“Can we go to Walgreens?”

This would be hard, but I needed a few things anyway…to get her some soup for her mouth etc…..so I pulled myself together and we went.

When we got there, she said, “I’ll meet you back at the car.”

HUH? Ok..I didn’t think much of it.

I grabbed what we needed and headed back out. A few minutes later, she came to the car holding a little bag. When we got home, she asked if we had a basket. I grabbed one for her, still not really understanding what she was doing.

And then… she surprised me.

Inside the basket was a little pink pig (we’re calling her Pita), some lip care, and a card that made me completely fall apart.

She had spent all her money on me.
Every last bit….she only had $20 left.

And she gave it to me.

As I sit here writing this, Pita is right next to me.

Also, Pickle (her love toy) is getting to know him.

And I can honestly say this was the light in my day.

Not because everything suddenly got better or because the symptoms disappeared.

But because in the middle of a hijacked day…TOT made me feel so special and loved.
Tatum has a way of doing that.

She has a gift for seeing people and reading them. And for me, she showed up in ways that I will never forget.

A Reminder (FOR ME!)

Sometimes the day doesn’t need to be fixed.

Sometimes it just needs a little light to shine on it. Tot, that is you and your heart.. And of course a pink pig named Pita.

St. Patrick’s Day!!!

Connie sent me a pic of her Alfie. SO I knew it would be a great day.

I had a plan for us to go to As You Wish to paint. Upon Tatum telling me she wants to be a Marine Biologist when she grows up. Along with being a teacher, a mom, and a wife…she will have her hands full! Well, she drew these, and I knew she wasn’t kidding. The mako shark and green turtle. Now on her wall.

Well, we’d take her talents a bit further. She’d paint! I love this escape palace. Honestly, I’ve been coming here for 20 years, and each time, I lose myself in the work, and the time just flies by.

She worked on her shark for a long time.

I am used to her grabbing a dog, pig, bunny..some type of ceramic creature, putting a few paint strokes on it and calling it a day. Again, the Tot shocked me. She took her sweet detailed time!

And WOOOOOWZIE! It’s so cool, and it hasn’t even been kilned yet. She got the colors correct, carefully starting with pencil. I was so impressed. I wanted to do something inspiring and symbolic.

We’ll see how it turns out…The long winding road toward light. The Lord is My Light (Psalm 27:1) is what I wrote.

I used about 15 colors…and I wanted to spend another hour on it. But…alas we had to go to an appointment. Tatum’s Ortho. NOOOOOOO!
But, it ended up being a good thing since she needs to get her bite normalized. She is determined to wear her rubber bands around the clock.

Coopy ended our day as usual.

Tomorrow, will be part 3, and much more adventure awaits.

Going OUT.

This was for me a BIGGGGGG deal. I really haven’t been out much in a while, and as you’ll soon see, neither has Tot. (wink wink…stay tuned).

Monday morning. Can we go to the gym?? So this was our first stop.

Then, with money and credit cards in hand, we headed to Kierland. My brilliant idea. You see, we hadn’t really ever just been two gals shopping. It’s kind of a dream of a girl mom to someday have a shopping buddy. So we dressed up (or not), and headed to Kierland. Last time we were there was the Splash Pad when she was 3! Heck we weren’t shopping that day. But today, we’d go on an adventure in our black and white (our usual uniform).

All we experienced were overpriced clothing stores and more overpriced clothing stores. This coupled with overpriced cafe’s and overpriced makeup stores. But we laughed and laughed. Literally I haven’t laughed with Tatum like this in….forever!

We stopped at Starbucks for a frog.

Yes, a frog.

And two coconut acai refreshers. (waters). Hey, when you spend $4 for a one bite cake pop, you have to get creative with your water cup.

Our sole purchase of non-food items was from Bath and Body. A $1 “han”itizer and a little $9 turtle pouch for her backpack. After smelling 300 of the various scents, she opted for this one since it brought her back to the beach. We also saw a fragrance that she wanted since we are always Dreaming About Rio…but instead

we just took a picture and called it a day.

We stopped at Apple on the way to visit her new computer. A NEO. It shall be coming our way when they are back in stock.

Since I promised we’d stay till noon, we had to kill a few minutes. So Crate and Barrel would be the ticket. She wanted to go upstairs, so we headed up the escalator. I hopped on and assumed she was right behind me. Tot? Tot??? I look behind me and she’s still at the bottom staring at the escalator. A line is now forming behind Tatum with the front of the line encouraging her to step on it (for crying out loud!). Eventually she made it. Going down would be another story. But first, We had a pitstop on a comfy chair. Ahhh….may I stay here?

Ok, reality…now, again, I hopped on the down escalator, and she DID NOT. I look back and all I see is a shrinking Tot.

Let’s zoom in, shall we?

Mommy!

I had flashbacks to when she was four. Was I a terrible mother for leaving my 13 year old to fend for herself on the escalator? A crowd was forming at the bottom, and they were all looking at me! I casually just say, “She doesn’t get out much.”

We get home..FINALLY since it was quite a warm day (Hello! It’s March and almost 100).

Tatum decides she’s going to sunbathe, and I’m going to collapse. Two hours of shopping did me in.

As for tomorrow’s adventures, stay tuned.