Truly, it ended up being one of those beautifully ordinary days that somehow feels sacred when you’re in it.
School got out Wednesday, and we all slept a bit longer. Hallelujah!
My aunt came over, and it was just so good to sit together and talk. She brought up memories I hadn’t thought about in a long time, and, she helped me see my life with fresh eyes.
You see: Tot saved my life. (Jesus saved it the first time).
Before her, I was on the road to becoming a full-blown Type A mess. Overworking. Overdoing. Over-planning. Over-everything. I thought achievement was the goal. I thought control was safety. I thought staying busy meant I was doing life right.
And then, three months before she was born, Tatum dropped into my lap. Literally!
Everything changed: She interrupted the life I thought I was building and became the life I actually needed. Then Doug came into our lives when she was two, and somehow, piece by piece, God started building something I could have never planned for myself.
A family….A REAL home (not a condo or apartment). A REAL kind of love. Not conditional. ..not performance based.
Doug had the day off today and went on a bike ride, which made me happy for him. We had originally planned coffee together, but honestly, our whole day became this ongoing connection anyway…little conversations, checking in throughout the day.
And Tot and I? We had the best little day.
First she made a protein’y breakfast (I have taught her well) with protein pancakes. (and whipped cream because we put that on everything.
We went to Michaels and wandered around looking at crafts, laughing, taking ridiculous pictures, and being completely unserious. She wanted us to wear matching Crocs because apparently being “twinsies” is still cool at 13. Honestly, I’ll take it while I can.
In Michaels, she’s posing dramatically in the squishy aisle. This was “restock” day, and we had to be there because these sell out immediately. Go figure.
Meanwhile, Coopy lived his absolute best life today playing monkey-in-the-middle with TWO identical tennis balls because apparently one is emotionally insufficient.
And maybe my favorite part?
I felt good today.
Not survival mode. Not forcing it. Just…present. Light. Happy. Grateful.
At level 57, I feel like my life is just beginning; not as the old me trying to do everything, prove everything, hold everything together. But as the new me: softer, freer, and the me God was patiently leading here all along.
These are the moments I used to think were too small to matter. But now I relish these little things.
Happy half birthday, Tot. Thanks for making life fun. And thank you for saving me in ways you’ll probably never fully understand. Thank you HHH for being there steadfast.
Before the day even really began, hubby handed me the smartest, sweetest card: “We’ve been through a lot, but I’m still here.” Honestly, after all these years and all the seasons, that means everything to me.
Then came the last day of finals for Tot. So the ride to school was filled with “Happy Birthday to you” cheers. Math and History. Her hardest ones. She was NOT in the mood to celebrate anything this morning. We drove to school with that finals-week energy hanging in the air. But when I picked her up later, she jumped into the car relieved and proudly announced:
“I’M AN 8TH GRADER!”
Then immediately jumped into the pool in her school uniform.
That pretty much sums up her spirit perfectly.
My mom came over later and spent time with me, which meant so much. Tot and Grandma stood back-to-back comparing heights because somehow Tot is suddenly growing up overnight.
Mom also gave me an incredibly generous gift that left me overwhelmed with gratitude. New clothes are officially coming, and apparently Level 57 is leveling up in the wardrobe department too. (If I can find something that fits!) HA!
Throughout the day, my phone just kept lighting up. Friends. Family. Long-lost friends. Messages from people I haven’t talked to in forever. It felt like little reminders all day long that connection still matters. That people remember you, and that friends are forever even if you don’t talk in years.
I even got to talk to my BROTHER!!
Then hubby surprised me AGAIN with my favorite flowers and another beautiful card.
Coopy adores him too.
He and Tot also got me a Target gift card because apparently everyone agrees it’s time for mom to have some fun clothes
WOW. His cards are better than a new diamond ring. (Wait..what did I just say?) The best part was this:
I didn’t feel good, but I had my family, friends, and this little guy. I just love to stare at him.
Level 57 is looking really, really good. (Well, I have to put on my glasses to see that most of the time. Maybe I should just go glassesless because what you don’t see doesn’t hurt you!) HA!
And I’m deeply grateful for every person who helped make it feel so special.
Summer is almost here. Three more half-days of school, and two of those are finals.
Tatum is ready…ready to be done! She’s ready for summer. Ready for a reset. Ready for what is next.
Next year, she starts at Veritas. It’s a fresh start since she has basically been with the same kids at the same school since she was 5.
We have a busy summer ahead: Algebra. Latin. Reading….and just GETTING READY!
Last night, she told me she feels stuck between two versions of herself.
One version is the “crazy, fun, weird girl” who wears baggy clothes, doesn’t care too much about school or what she wears. The other version is the “smart, pretty, put-together girl.”
OH, wow! That is what they call: Thirteen. That awkward middle. She is now old enough to wonder who she is.
So I told her what I hope she remembers. She can be BOTH! I told her about when I had my first job with Eli Lilly as a pharmaceutical rep. I would get dressed in my cute little suit and heels. (What was I thinking!?) I was polished, prepared, professional, and put together.
I said, “You do not have to shrink yourself into one category just so other people know what to do with you.”
BECAUSE, the second I got home? Hair on top of my head…Face washed, jammies!
And neither version was fake.
We don’t have to choose one! Just so we are still the same person on the INSIDE. .
So I asked Tatum, “What qualities do you want to for sure have? Who do you want to be?”
She said:
Smart.
Pretty.
Kind.
A good friend….(?)
Explain…
Loyal.
A good listener.
Someone who cares about people. (and birdies!) heehee
Okay then, let’s stick to those.
And then I asked, “And a Jesus follower?”
“Yes,” she said. Of course. (That one matters most).
SO THIS SUMMER…is really about….
I think…. preparing her heart.
She does not have to become less fun to be smart, or less weird to be pretty, or less herself to be accepted.
SHE CAN BE: Fully Tatum.
She is just at the beginning of another becoming. I love being on the front seat. I LOVE YOU!
Mother’s Day did not start off picture perfect. (well, does any day!? HA)
I wanted to go to church….I wanted the light, easy day. However, Tatum didn’t feel well, so we stayed home. Doug and I had not the best morning either, and honestly, it all just felt heavy from the beginning.
I blame myself.
I never want to be a burden. I never want to feel like the problem. I want our home to be light and warm and jovial. I try so hard to make it feel that way. I keep it clean. I put out flowers. I make it cozy. I want it to feel like a place people (well, lately, just us) want to be.
But sometimes, with how I’ve felt for so long, I feel anything but light. In fact, many days, I feel dark. Non-functional. Sad. Heavy. (forgive me, Jesus)
And I try so hard not to bring that onto my family, but some days I just can’t hide it. Some days the tears come anyway. Mother’s Day morning was one of those days. It became a bit of a cry fest.
And then… Austin. Whoda thunk!?
Out of the blue, he sent me a text thanking me for making his pops so happy.
What?
That completely undid me because that very morning I had been telling Doug that I felt like I had ruined his life. That I had ruined his chance at happiness with everything I’ve put him through. And then, almost like God let someone else speak into the exact place I was hurting, Austin sent that..those words.
Doug then brought. me a whole bushel of sunflowers. He knows me sooooo well.
They truly do something to my heart. They brighten the room, but they also brighten me. God still knows exactly how to reach me.
And then there was Tatum. Oh, Tatum.
She had been working on an “edit” for me. She loves making videos, and this one was for Mother’s Day. She could not wait to show me. She showed me in the morning when she saw me crying in my bedroom, then added more to it later and told me she was going to show me again that night, so I needed to be surprised.
The video had all these little definitions: Mom. Funny. Best friend. Attractive. Pretty. Beautiful.
It was funny and sweet and dramatic and adorable and perfect.
and there was more!
She ended it with me basically awe-inspired.
Tatum never writes much in cards. Usually I’m lucky if I get a name and a quick note. But this time she wrote. Really wrote…and it was truly from her heart.
She thanked me for always listening to her nonsense, for doing the things that can be overwhelming, and for loving her. She told me she loves me. She called me her everything..JUST wow.
And then came the gifts. Now, I love gifts like the next gal, but these MEANT something.
A whole basket of treasures. A grateful sign (from my HHH), A little crocheted sunflower with a smiley face (HE knows what makes me smile as well as a heart that said, “Always remembered, forever loved.”). From Tot: A puppy stuffed animal. A Woodstock cup. A floral cup. Little glass birds. A pink tree. A mother-and-child figurine that said, “A mother holds her child’s hand for a while but their heart forever.”
And Doug’s card.. He ALWAYS delivers the most precious words.
It was all of the thought. The noticing. The way they knew what would make me smile. The way they chose things that felt like me. The way they kept choosing me on a day when I felt like too much. This was the perfect Mother’s Day.
It started with tears, disappointment, and that awful feeling that maybe I bring more weight than joy.
But by the end of the day, surrounded by sunflowers and my family, this Mother’s Day was not ruined.
It was redeemed.
Epilogue
The next morning (Monday), the ride to school was ANYTHING but peaceful. We were running very late, and Tatum takes the anger she has for herself out on me, and then she admits it..but always after the fact. We sat in the parking lot. (mind you she was now 5 minutes late). I wouldn’t let her go in yet. I held her in my arms as she sobbed. Then I prayed over her and had her wipe her tears. We walked in the office then, head held high. She’s got this. Then…11:25.
Yesterday, I was a bit under the weather…not the dramatic kind of under the weather, but I was just not very active. I was tired. And honestly, I felt a little sad too.
But first, Jesus…that is where I keep running. Over and over and over again. I run to Him when I am scared. I run to Him when I am weak. I run to Him when I am frustrated. I run to Him when my body feels like too much…and when I am sad. And guess what? He fills me. I just wish he’d heal me completely, physically. But, not yet.
But, yesterday, a Jesus moment came through Tatum.
Now, let me be honest. We had a rough start. Finals are coming, and there was homework to finish, and I could feel myself getting frustrated. She was not staying on task the way I thought she should, and I started doing that mom thing where I believe if I just push harder, explain louder, redirect one more time, or hover intensely enough, somehow everything will magically get done. It does not work that way, unfortunately.
Yes, I need to chill sometimes, and I need to let her fail, but that is hard to watch. I cannot force her into focus. I cannot control every outcome. I cannot make finals less stressful by becoming more stressed. That one is on me.
But somehow, by the grace of God, we got to a good place.
A really good place.
At some point, Tatum took a picture of me. I was not trying to pose. I did not feel cute. I did not feel strong. I did not feel like the best version of myself.
And she looked at it and said, “You’re so pretty, Mommy.”
Then she made it the lock screen on her phone.
Man. Just…geez.
Later, we were watching Grey’s Anatomy reruns together, because apparently that is what you do when life feels heavy and you want fictional hospital chaos to distract you from your own. There was a scene where a pregnant woman had been hurt in the hospital, and she asked for a lawyer because she wanted to make sure her child would be protected. She did not have a will, and she wanted everything in place.
And suddenly, I was crying.
Because I remembered…I remembered the hospital. I remembered Tatum in the incubator. I remembered her birth mom, April, in that room. I remembered April’s mom right outside the room. It was a defining moment.
The hospital person came in, and April officially made me, Stephanie Knight, the mother on Tatum’s birth certificate…She could have changed her mind right then and there.
But she didn’t. She chose me….ME!
She chose Tatum’s future with me as her mommy.
And in that moment, I became Tatum’s mom officially in the eyes of the hospital, in the birth certificate paperwork, and in the eyes of the woman who had carried her. I could take her home. My baby…home! I will never forget that.
Tatum saw me crying and started comforting me. Then she asked, “When did you tell me I was adopted?” And I told her the story. She was four. I’ll never forget that night. I was teaching a night class at GCU, and suddenly I just knew. I knew in my spirit. I knew in my mom heart. I knew that that was the night. So I let my students go home early.
I drove home, and Doug was there, and my mom was there. I had a book ready.
Before that night, I had always told Tatum she was born from my heart. But that night, we read the book and told her more of the story. She may not have understood every detail at four years old. But she knew the most important part….THAT SHE was chosen, wanted, and loved completely.
And I would always, always be her forever mommy.
So, we stopped the show and she disappeared into the office. She started looking through our massive collection of picture books.
And when I say massive, I mean we have kept almost all of them. (this is a SMALL number of what is left. But still…shelves and shelves of stories. Every night…almost daily for minutes..sometimes hours until maybe three years ago.
But.. then the sweetest thing happened. Tatum started pulling books off the shelves.
Not just any books. The ones we remembered.
And then she started to read to me….and read to me. Like a teacher! (which BTW is her dream…and I hope she lives it out!) I had been feeling awful. Truly awful.
But then I laughed and listened. I forgot about the pain for a little while. I forgot about feeling sick. It was kind of an unexpected, Jesus-given break.
And maybe that is what made it so special. Nothing monumental happened. We did not go somewhere fancy. There was no big event. No perfect schedule.. Heck it was unplanned!
This memory just opened a door of happiness.
Then I saw my Coopy sitting at the door waiting.
And my wonderful husband outside, working hard like he always does, making our home more beautiful. Just your basic ordinary day.
But it was holy.
Sometimes the best days are not the ones where everything goes perfectly. Sometimes they are the days where you start frustrated, cry during a TV show, end up surrounded by children’s books, and realize God has been with you the whole time. And that is what kept me going. Yesterday, Tatum kept me going.
And of course, Doug loved us by serving…and Coopy waited for me (or someone!!) in his little sunny spot.
And I was reminded again that my life is not perfect, but it is full.
Thank You, Jesus, for my family.
And thank You that I get to be Tatum’s forever mommy.
Tatum has been at Paradise Valley Christian Preparatory since kindergarten.
Well, almost.
In 5th grade, we made the decision to pull her out and homeschool, and she continued homeschooling through part of 7th grade. Then she returned to PVCP to finish out 7th grade. So in many ways, PVCP has been part of her whole childhood.
And now, it is time for a change.
It’s been a difficult year going back to school in 7th grade. We thought this school would be it, but God may have other plans. For Tatum, we began talking about high school. I have always hoped she would receive a classical education…one rooted in great books, rich discussions, strong writing, history, logic, language, and the kind of academic formation that teaches students how to think, not just what to memorize. Originally that is what drew me to Great Hearts. And now, that is coming true.
At first, we were looking ahead to high school. But the more we thought about it, the more it made sense to begin in 8th grade. Instead of waiting for 9th grade to be the big transition, she can step into the community a year earlier. She can learn the rhythms, meet students, build friendships, understand the expectations, and walk into high school already feeling grounded. PLUS…she has to know Latin! That means WE BOTH need to become proficient over the summer.
NO pressure.
But honestly? It feels like such a gift.
Veritas is a small school, and that matters to us. I love the idea of her being in a place where students are known, where classes are thoughtful and challenging, where there are athletics and clubs and opportunities to try new things. I love that she will be surrounded by students who are being asked to read deeply, speak clearly, write well, and wrestle with big ideas. AND the curriculum is no joke.
She will be walking into 8th grade with Latin III, which means this summer will include a Latin crash course. She also has to take Algebra I next year, so I am very thankful she took Algebra 1/2 this year. That will help. But yes, there will be math this summer too. *LOTS*
So basically, this summer will be part rest, part preparation, part “welcome to classical education.” Latin and algebra, here we come.
For Tatum, it’s a fresh start, and I pray it truly is.
Tatum is ready for something new. She is ready to meet new people, make new friends, and step into a different environment. She is excited about high school again, and that alone feels huge.
I have always wanted Tatum in a Christian school environment. I value faith being part of education. I value Scripture, prayer, and a worldview that acknowledges God. But I have also been thinking a lot about what it means for faith to become personal.
Sometimes when something is around us all day, every day, we can begin to take it for granted. And I wonder if, for Tatum, this next season may actually strengthen her faith in a different way. Not because it is handed to her in every class period, but because she has to own it. Because she has to think about what she believes. Because she has to live it in a broader environment, among students from different backgrounds and perspectives. That used to scare me, but I now think it may be good for her.
Our home will still be rooted in faith; our conversations will still be shaped by Jesus. Our values are not changing. But maybe this is a chance for her faith to become more alive. That is part of GROWING up!
She hopefully is becoming more prepared TO THINK which is not what I am seeing in our younger generations. And I want that for her.
I want her to have teachers who expect a lot from her and a community where she can grow into herself.
YET, STILL be that playful, silly self
PVCP has been part of Tatum’s story since kindergarten. And now Veritas gets to be part of the next one. I AM SO excited to be on the front seat. FOR 8th, high school, friendships, opportunities, and a fresh start.
ALL those amazing days of us reading together and learning together ….NOW we are transitioning into YOU just becoming more and more independent.
Tatum, let’s start really learning and growing. You are becoming MORE of the beautiful woman of God you already are.
