Category: Totally Tatum

Lately, Tatum and I have been watching Love on the Spectrum. What I didn’t expect was how deeply she would connect with it. We love to root for them, laugh with them, and understands them in a way that feels so natural. Tatum has always had a soft spot for people with special needs. She volunteers at church with the special needs kids, and she has friendships at school with peers on the spectrum. She sees people for who they are, not how the world labels them. I LOVE THAT.

Sometimes, I honestly can’t help but wonder about her brain. I wouldn’t call her special needs.

But I would absolutely call her…special. Her imagination is alive in a way that most people slowly lose as they grow up….but not her. Not even at 13.

She still collects things. Well, I used to think it was just lots of j__k, but to her, they all have meaning.

Her dad (their Sunday tradition) recently bought her a bright green stuffy named Calvin. When she got home, Calvin didn’t stay just a stuffed animal….He got transformed

She made him a hat. A bed. A phone. A pillow.

And now Calvin has a place right alongside all of her other “special stuffs” (thanks to Dad for hanging that net that now holds her treasures).

She is fully, unapologetically herself, and I love that about her.

This weekend we went to the bird store with Ollie to get his wings clipped,

and while we were there, Tatum danced with a cockatoo. Just being her silly self.

Later, she went to Hayden’s birthday party. These friendships…Hayden, Liam, Lincoln have been part of her life since kindergarten. It’s just so great.

I just feel grateful.

So grateful for this kid.

And her brain.

Saturday Night (Because We’re Not Rookie Churchgoers )

We started Easter…Saturday night. Because let’s be honest…Easter Sunday at church?
It’s like the mall on Black Friday…or a sold-out concert.

Everyone shows up. The “C & E” crowd makes their annual appearance.
(Not judging…just being honest ) Going the night before was such a blessing. It was so special. THE WHY Of our faith and how the UMBRELLA he provides through our “stuff” is always with us.

The next morning…I woke up not feeling great.

It was one of those “here we go…” kind of mornings. But I had planned a brunch, and I wanted to be present! (Literally and figuratively). I PRAYED:
“God, help me show up.”

I couldn’t go on the bike ride with Tot and Dad…so they went without me but TOT had her
hat on, and she brought Winston riding with her. I loved picturing that.

When they got back…it was time for the hunt.

And this year…
I actually hid them WELL.

I had the table ready…and of course we had to snap a few pics. I was so in awe of how much I’ve changed in 3 years. (Literally like 30 lbs and you can tell. ) TOT STILL IS GORGEOUSl

Three years ago:

YIKES. Tot is so stinking cute still….

But my honey and I still got it…He looks so handsome, and I’m starting to fill out again. Thank you Jesus.

Brunch followed:
Egg quiche, cinnamon raisin bread, sausage, fruit..

all with my little “Steph healthy spin,” of course. I think my mom even liked it!

We sat, we ate, we laughed.

And Coopy?
He was in the middle of it all, like always.
Watching. Hoping.

And sweet Ollie was right there with us too. It was a full house..full of LOVE.

Tot got one of those break-apart chocolate bunnies…

That poops gummy carrots.

I mean…
who thinks of this stuff??

And yet..it was the highlight.

Doug sent me this pic taken from the moon just the other day. I was in awe.

Just a small piece of HIS creation; OUR EARTH, and yet it is still relevant to all of us:

He is risen.

Yes, it’s a reminder.

That even when your body feels off…
when plans don’t go perfectly…
when life is a mix of joy and struggle all in the same morning…There is still new life.

New creation…..New attitudes.

A fresh start…again.

That’s what I loved most about this Easter.

It wasn’t perfect. (for sure), but it was real.

And somehow…that made the hope feel even stronger.

I love you Jesus. Forever and ever more.

Good Friday has always carried a weight to it, but this year, it looked a little different inside our home.

THE LIGHT: we just love Ollie. He’s always so content in his little world…carefully saving the dark seeds and placing them on top of his “table.” We call them his brownies.
It’s his funny little quirk.

THE DARK: Coopy…well, Coopy felt something we couldn’t. We found him hiding in the dark in the bathroom, shaking. Some sound we couldn’t hear…something his little body could.
We just loved him through it.

AND TOT’S LIGHT would shine: She was deep in creation.

Cardboard, markers, clay, and cans….all over; Her version of beauty…a kind of “organized clutter” which she thrives on. (I’m kind of the opposite!)
She is now saving cans for her room decor.

(I guess this is how you justify all the bubble water…One soda a day, though…we’re holding that line.)
I don’t mind the chaos when it’s fueled by imagination. (only that she cleans it up so I don’t go completely bonkers with my OCD)

But the mess wasn’t about today. It was our home…holding a bit of everything. Joy, creativity, fear, stillness.

And isn’t that what Good Friday is?

A day that holds darkness but also knowing the end of the story. The chaos in the. midst of knowing; in the midst of hope…..Because Sunday is coming.

The moment everything fell apart… and then came back stronger

There are moments in parenting where everything in you wants to back down.
Not because you don’t know what to do… but because doing it might cost you the relationship.

The hardest part is seeing your daughter involved in something you never expected.
Everything in you wants to react….to explode, to fix it, to shut it down, or even to run away!

But, those moments need MORE attention than just a impulse reaction. It becomes a matter of settling yourself first…Breathing; having a conversation about having a conversation later…

And praying for wisdom before you move.

You seriously don’t know what to do because there is no rule book on parenting. The only “rule” I’ve tried to follow is this:

To love her well… and to guide her to love Jesus Christ more than she loves herself.
To empower her to make wise choices (always grounded in love).

And when I finally do act, I have to realize the risk is worth it.
Because if it’s rooted in love… it’s never the wrong move.

Man, it’s that tension between love and leadership.
Between wanting to protect their heart… and knowing you have to hold the line.

So, I waited. While she was at school, I constructed (through much prayer) a letter that basically gave me clarity. 

I ended up writing something that held both truth and love. I would then talk to her after school in a neutral location.

It sounded something like this:

I’ve been thinking about everything from last night. I want you to hear this first: 

I love you so much. Nothing about this changes that. And because I love you, I’m not going to be passive about this. My job is to protect you and help you make strong, safe decisions even when it’s uncomfortable.

I know part of this is just being 13… feeling curious, maybe flattered by attention, and not fully thinking about where something could go. 

That’s normal. Wanting to be noticed, valued, and chosen…that’s something God put in you. It’s not wrong.

(and then I went through WHAT WAS SO WRONG ABOUT what was happening..objectively as not to shame her)

(Then I continued): I also hear you that you don’t want to talk about it anymore. I get that. It’s uncomfortable. But I can’t ignore it, because this is about your safety

And I think part of why this kept going…and why you didn’t tell me everything….is because you knew it might mean losing freedom, and that’s hard. I understand that.

But I need honesty so I can actually protect you.

 Here’s what we’re going to do moving forward….

And then I gave her the consequence. 

(Then I continued)

This is about learning how to handle situations like this the right way.

And, here’s something I want you to learn, because it will protect you for the rest of your life…

Not everyone who gives you attention deserves access to you.

AND how you handle something…..the HARD times (your WORST DAYS) DEFINE who you are.

Some people will give attention in ways that are not respectful, not safe, and not aligned with who you are. So I want you to start asking yourself:

Does this make me feel respected… or just wanted?

Learning to listen to that voice inside you, the Holy Spirit. It doesn’t always happen perfectly right away. Sometimes that voice is quiet when emotions are loud. That doesn’t mean it’s gone…it just means we’re still learning how to follow it.

And then… I gave the consequence. And just like that, everything escalated. She chose to only hear the consequence.

It killed me, but I stayed calm, I held the boundary, and…

I chose to wait again.

We arrived at home, and she went into her bedroom, so angry.

I waited again.

What surprised me most wasn’t the resistance…
it was what came after.

She came to me with tears and a hug. She felt that love and protection, but it wasn’t in the moment. It was later. She felt relief. She felt free. She felt warm not walled up. 

We talked a bit more, and she really couldn’t stop hugging me and saying she loved me. 

Maybe the purpose of these moments isn’t to avoid conflict…
but to walk through it in a way that builds something stronger on the other side.

These are the times, you think that the boundaries may break the connection, but, as I told her, I’d rather have her hate me in the moment and do the right loving thing than to give her what she wanted at that moment. In hindsight, what she did want was what I actually did, and she even told me that. 

Kids don’t always like boundaries, but they often feel safer because of them. And for me the best thing I can do is to stay regulated and loving. 

And always when the moment passes; when emotions settle; 

That’s when we come back together, and we talk it through.

I love you Tatum Hay.

Seven years of him. This adorable little face (that stares you down until you give in).

There would be NO big production today.

Daddy walked through the door, and that was it…birthday excitement officially started.
Coopy couldn’t contain himself. (but neither could Daddy).

I’ll be honest… I didn’t have it in me to bake anything.

So we improvised.
Ice cream. Whipped cream. Plus who wouldn’t trade a cake for ice cream…Yes, I’m his mom, and anything cream is my love language.

For a brief, glorious moment, he experienced what can only be described as pure joy…
like he had unlocked a level of life previously unknown.

And honestly…
after that?

There’s just no going back to lentil and liver dog food.

Would you?

Coopy is…a lot. In the best way. He’s our little mood lifter, our source of laughter and joy. BUT he’s also a bit annoying at times. He thinks EVERYTHING is a lollypop.

Honestly, if a robber broke in, we wouldn’t worry.
He wouldn’t attack.

He’d just…lick them to death.

So yes. That’s our security system.

He deserved a gift…the BEST TOY EVER gift right?
I made one critical mistake. Yes, this small little innocent pineapple would be the source of all of our pain for the evening.

Like, why does it do that?

It was cute for about 10 seconds.
Then it became…a situation.

At one point, he dropped it right between my legs and just stood there…waiting.
Like, “You know what to do.”

I ignored him.

He carried it to his little house before bed…
and left it there.

So it would be waiting for him when he woke up.

Seven years of this little life…this HUGE piece of comfort, laughter, chaos, and love.

He doesn’t ask for anything fancy.
Just presence.
And a few ear rubs.

And we love you more than you could ever understand.

Happy 7th Birthday SWEET COOPYHEAD!

Being together all day used to feel hard. When Tatum was being homeschooled, our days were long. I wasn’t feeling well, and yet I was trying to be everything at once; mom, teacher, counselor, encourager. The “teacher hat” never quite fit the way I wanted it to. It brought a lot of pressure and (from me) expectations. And if I’m being honest… it brought tension.

And I remember wondering… is this just how it’s going to be?

But, this Spring Break, we spent every single day together.…yes 24/7.

And there has been a SHIFT.

There has been…..ease.

She wanted to be with me constantly. (not complaining here) Not because she had to… but because she wanted to. And that alone felt like a quiet miracle.

Together, it was light, fun, and we laughed. A LOT.
The kind of laughter where you don’t even realize how much you needed it until it’s happening.

At one point (okay… multiple points), we would say the exact same thing at the exact same time while watching a show. Same comment. Same question.

And we’d both stop, look at each other and say,
“STOP BEING ME!!” (and then laughed some more.

Precious Moments.

This has been the last part of Spring Break. …no big plans. Just us hanging out, and the pressure was off. Just us… at home.

She’d play her video games (celebrating)

I’d work or have to rest.

And of course… Coopy was never far. Always part of our day. Looking glum actually…So we’d give him Pickle.

We did add someone new to the mix:

Pringle, the Capybara. Now Pickles has a friend.

Coopy still favors Pickle

And today… Saturday, March 21… her Spiritual Birthday. (She was baptized on Mar 21, 2022 with her Dad (my HHH).

We celebrated simply….just like the week.

I got her a few more marine biology treasures stickers, little things that light her up. And we picked up our tiles from As You Wish.

If I could put one word to this part of Spring Break, it would be this:

Restoration.

Relationally. We needed this.

And I’m so grateful that we had this time together.

I love you Tot. So grateful for you. (and thank you for Pita!…and reminding me not to leave her. )

Today is Wednesday.

Tatum is home for Spring Break, and earlier this week we had some really sweet, fun days together (see SB Part 1). But today was different.

She woke up sore from getting her braces tightened, and I woke up not feeling like myself at all. (I don’t want to say my usual, but it happened to be one of the harder days for me). By the time she came out for breakfast (LATE), I was already struggling. I had been up, trying to stay upright, trying to push through, but honestly… I just wanted to go back to bed.

We sat together and worked on her book that she’s editing, but I could feel my body not cooperating, so I finally told her, “I need to lay down for a bit.”

A little while later, she came in to check on me.

And I started to cry.

I said, “I’m sorry about this, Taties… I wanted to do something fun today.”

She didn’t hesitate. She just hugged me and said,
“Can we go to Walgreens?”

This would be hard, but I needed a few things anyway…to get her some soup for her mouth etc…..so I pulled myself together and we went.

When we got there, she said, “I’ll meet you back at the car.”

HUH? Ok..I didn’t think much of it.

I grabbed what we needed and headed back out. A few minutes later, she came to the car holding a little bag. When we got home, she asked if we had a basket. I grabbed one for her, still not really understanding what she was doing.

And then… she surprised me.

Inside the basket was a little pink pig (we’re calling her Pita), some lip care, and a card that made me completely fall apart.

She had spent all her money on me.
Every last bit….she only had $20 left.

And she gave it to me.

As I sit here writing this, Pita is right next to me.

Also, Pickle (her love toy) is getting to know him.

And I can honestly say this was the light in my day.

Not because everything suddenly got better or because the symptoms disappeared.

But because in the middle of a hijacked day…TOT made me feel so special and loved.
Tatum has a way of doing that.

She has a gift for seeing people and reading them. And for me, she showed up in ways that I will never forget.

A Reminder (FOR ME!)

Sometimes the day doesn’t need to be fixed.

Sometimes it just needs a little light to shine on it. Tot, that is you and your heart.. And of course a pink pig named Pita.