Category: Totally Tatum

We were on our way to the gym, and I was already weepy as we drove, and I apologized again.
I told her how ironic it felt: going to the gym with my girl has always been my dream… and here we were, and I couldn’t even work out.

Sunday…although going to church (a win!!), I was quite the mess…Gut stuck. Heavy lids. That sedated, foggy fatigue that makes you feel like you’re watching your own life from behind glass. I knew I couldn’t participate the way I wanted to, but I had made her a promise, and I was going to keep it. So while driving, I said,

“I’m just… sorry, Tatum.”

She looked at me like I’d spoken a foreign language.

“For what?”

I tried to explain without dumping it all on her (which I shouldn’t do, but I’m human). I told her I just wanted to participate more. That I felt like I was existing instead of being involved with her, with my husband, with people I love. The sadness surprised me with how big it was.

And then my daughter said something I will carry forever.

“Mommy, I’m grateful you got sick. First of all, it’s a blessing you weren’t like this when I was 0–6. That would have sucked. Now I’m really independent.
And Mom, if you hadn’t gotten sick, we wouldn’t be this close. We’re closer than ever. You are my best friend.
And I wouldn’t love school the way I do. I love learning. I love being there. I love getting strong. That came from watching you.
And my birds…I wouldn’t even have them! I have so much compassion because I’ve seen so much for a kid.”

HUUUUH!?

When we parked, she gave me that SQUEEEEEZY hug..it made time stop.

I gave her a ring to tell her thank you, and that I pray for her DAILY.

Some days I feel like I’m falling short of the mom I want to be.
And then my daughter gently reminds me that presence doesn’t always look like perfection and being ON IT. THE HARD THINGS make us better and closer in every way.

Today, I’m holding onto that.
And I’m holding onto her. XXOO

“I want to be strong.”

Not thin.
Not smaller.
Not “I’m getting fat” or “I wish I looked different.”

Strong!! She adds MORE weight today!

She’s never once said she wanted to be skinny. She’s never looked in the mirror and critiqued herself the way so many of us as girls/women have done. Instead, she talks about muscles. She talks about abs. She talks about what her body can do!

That feels like music to my ears.

When I was her age, the goal was skinny because that was the culture and the message we got. Strong wasn’t even part of the conversation. You didn’t lift weights! You did endless cardio in hopes of being SMALLER.

Tatum has never heard me say, “I want to be skinny,” and she’s never watched me stand in front of a mirror shaking my head in disappointment. (Okay… I’ll be honest, I’ve done that, just never when she’s watching.) What she has seen is me going to the gym and lifting weights. Getting strong was my goal.

We took a break from the gym for a while, and lately she’s been begging to go back. And now that we’re there again? She is doing HARD things! LIKE…

Sled pushes (125 lbs!!)

Squats
Push-ups
Shoulder presses

Bench press

SHE LOVES IT!. She asks for more weight. She wants to know what muscle she’s working. She’s proud when something feels challenging. Watching her is pure joy because she’s learning, early on, that her body is capable. OH, to save her from what I did to myself!

I don’t know what she’ll believe about her body years from now, but I do know that she can build this confidence and muscle now!!
I am proud of you, Tot!! Keep it up because we have a tough critique’y world, so be PROUD OF YOU!

 

The opportunities are growing for me, and I’m so ever grateful. Ironically, the past two years I’ve been the sickest I’ve ever been in my whole life, yet my career grows.

My teaching has gotten more refined. The only way I can gauge my success is with my reviews.
I get one of these a month, and they truly make me smile. I don’t often get a negative one, but if I do, I pretty much know who it is from (as a one off!)

I get to speak OFTEN for them.

For example, once a month I present to a group of PRE teachers who will be taking the PRAXIS test. I get to help them/guide them and give them tricks and tips. I’ve been teaching this for 10+ years. SO MUCH FUN.

Just last month and this next one, I’ll present this topic… I get to speak for GCU often.

Ok, this is just plain FUN FUN FUN! I did my dissertation on this topic, so for me it’s a PASSION!
Also, I am currently mentoring a new hire. He will be teaching MKT 450 (Marketing) at GCU. It’s his FIRST online class to teach. He just called me this morning, and I LOVED guiding him through, taking him off the ledge and calming his fears. It made me feel like all the work I’ve done has been worth it. I get to share with him my tricks, and how I make the class function in an engaging, successful way.

Finally, I WRITE! I just finished my last article.

SO many hats, but each one is unique. I would do it all for free! HA! (But I don’t!)

Soon, I’ll be venturing into a new area and that is HEALTH COACHING. All that I have learned from GCU and from my own experiences with my health will aid me in being the most supportive, compassionate coach. I will continue all of my work at GCU, but this will just be a bonus joy. Tatum is now growing up, and I do have some time to invest in some new opportunities. I only pray that I can be used MIGHTILY by HIM. I still have much healing to go, but I cannot be idle and watch my life go by. I MUST LIVE and GLORIFY HIM in the process.

For fun now. Yes, up the mountain and down. This is Cross Country at PVCP. She absolutely adores this group.

They just had their meet, and she came in the middle. Not bad for just starting mid-year! Yes, she does need her inhaler CONSTANTLY, but she LOVES it. I love that she gets to make friends in this process too. Only 2 more weeks, and then she starts TRACK.

Let’s GO PANTHERS!!

I relish a day of no hustle and bustle.

Such is a day today with my girl. She was not feeling well and stayed home from church. What would be of joy to us all was the little feathered friends. And the puffball.

Ribi (Rio) (Amarillo). Our sweet. (actually cute and vivacious) decided to hang below today.

He was ever so happy on Tot’s foot.

Bluebell chirped and chirped. Where is he!!???

Ollie just observes. He’s the starer. He just observes everything around him and takes it all in as Cooper observes him.

Sometimes, we just need to enjoy these moments of stillness. Tatum is my stillness and her birds (and yes, Coopy) make it all the more joyful.

Amen.

My husband still leaves me teeeeeneeee tineeeeee post-its… barely bigger than my thumb.
The size of the note doesn’t = the size of his love however.

So naturally, I returned the favor and I wrote it just large enough for POWERFUL microscope just to read it. Oh, the joy.

And then there’s the warmth….this soft, well-worn corn bag his mom made; the kind you heat up and carry with you. It’s like an anchor to my soul right now.

It’s saved me more times than I can count because it settles my body and steadies my nervous system.

It reminds me I’m cared for in ways both seen and unseen.

Some days, healing doesn’t look dramatic.
Perhaps it’s a tiny heart on a mirror or a teeny tiny word of love. OR
A warm weight resting where it can hurt.

These are the small things that BECOME BIG and keep me going.

Grateful for the love and warmth. AMEN.

I had no idea how fast the time would go by while she was gone.

Ollie bathing

Coopy staring

Me, looking like an axe murderer

HA! My new red light face mask will make me look UNLIKE an axe murderer I pray!

Me finishing Bluebell and hanging it on her wall.

Now I’ve drawn 2 Ribis, 2 Ollies, and 2 Bluebells. Coopy has gotten zero. Sorry bud; I haven’t mastered the art of white fluffballs.

Anyway, oh, yes, I did work a ton as well. Finished my presentation for next week. I’m speaking to a group of HS teachers at Compton High School in CA about The Writing Process: Why Instruction Matters. So excited for this!!

I cooked, cleaned, organized, worked, and missed her. But I survived and the time flew by.

Tatum, meanwhile, is joining Cross Country. I caught her finishing her 2 mile run with Liam here.

Inhaler needs? Three times. Yes, this is going to be an interesting season.

I love you Taties. I miss you, and I know this is your year!! (Mine too as I heal) AMEN.