The moment everything fell apart… and then came back stronger
There are moments in parenting where everything in you wants to back down.
Not because you don’t know what to do… but because doing it might cost you the relationship.
The hardest part is seeing your daughter involved in something you never expected.
Everything in you wants to react….to explode, to fix it, to shut it down, or even to run away!
But, those moments need MORE attention than just a impulse reaction. It becomes a matter of settling yourself first…Breathing; having a conversation about having a conversation later…
And praying for wisdom before you move.
You seriously don’t know what to do because there is no rule book on parenting. The only “rule” I’ve tried to follow is this:
To love her well… and to guide her to love Jesus Christ more than she loves herself.
To empower her to make wise choices (always grounded in love).
And when I finally do act, I have to realize the risk is worth it.
Because if it’s rooted in love… it’s never the wrong move.
Man, it’s that tension between love and leadership.
Between wanting to protect their heart… and knowing you have to hold the line.
So, I waited. While she was at school, I constructed (through much prayer) a letter that basically gave me clarity.
I ended up writing something that held both truth and love. I would then talk to her after school in a neutral location.
It sounded something like this:
I’ve been thinking about everything from last night. I want you to hear this first:
I love you so much. Nothing about this changes that. And because I love you, I’m not going to be passive about this. My job is to protect you and help you make strong, safe decisions even when it’s uncomfortable.
I know part of this is just being 13… feeling curious, maybe flattered by attention, and not fully thinking about where something could go.
That’s normal. Wanting to be noticed, valued, and chosen…that’s something God put in you. It’s not wrong.
(and then I went through WHAT WAS SO WRONG ABOUT what was happening..objectively as not to shame her)
(Then I continued): I also hear you that you don’t want to talk about it anymore. I get that. It’s uncomfortable. But I can’t ignore it, because this is about your safety
And I think part of why this kept going…and why you didn’t tell me everything….is because you knew it might mean losing freedom, and that’s hard. I understand that.
But I need honesty so I can actually protect you.
Here’s what we’re going to do moving forward….
And then I gave her the consequence.
(Then I continued)
This is about learning how to handle situations like this the right way.
And, here’s something I want you to learn, because it will protect you for the rest of your life…
Not everyone who gives you attention deserves access to you.
AND how you handle something…..the HARD times (your WORST DAYS) DEFINE who you are.
Some people will give attention in ways that are not respectful, not safe, and not aligned with who you are. So I want you to start asking yourself:
Does this make me feel respected… or just wanted?
Learning to listen to that voice inside you, the Holy Spirit. It doesn’t always happen perfectly right away. Sometimes that voice is quiet when emotions are loud. That doesn’t mean it’s gone…it just means we’re still learning how to follow it.
And then… I gave the consequence. And just like that, everything escalated. She chose to only hear the consequence.
It killed me, but I stayed calm, I held the boundary, and…
I chose to wait again.
We arrived at home, and she went into her bedroom, so angry.
I waited again.
What surprised me most wasn’t the resistance…
it was what came after.
She came to me with tears and a hug. She felt that love and protection, but it wasn’t in the moment. It was later. She felt relief. She felt free. She felt warm not walled up.
We talked a bit more, and she really couldn’t stop hugging me and saying she loved me.
Maybe the purpose of these moments isn’t to avoid conflict…
but to walk through it in a way that builds something stronger on the other side.
These are the times, you think that the boundaries may break the connection, but, as I told her, I’d rather have her hate me in the moment and do the right loving thing than to give her what she wanted at that moment. In hindsight, what she did want was what I actually did, and she even told me that.
Kids don’t always like boundaries, but they often feel safer because of them. And for me the best thing I can do is to stay regulated and loving.
And always when the moment passes; when emotions settle;
That’s when we come back together, and we talk it through.
I love you Tatum Hay.