Before the day even really began, hubby handed me the smartest, sweetest card: “We’ve been through a lot, but I’m still here.” Honestly, after all these years and all the seasons, that means everything to me.
Then came the last day of finals for Tot. So the ride to school was filled with “Happy Birthday to you” cheers. Math and History. Her hardest ones. She was NOT in the mood to celebrate anything this morning. We drove to school with that finals-week energy hanging in the air. But when I picked her up later, she jumped into the car relieved and proudly announced:
“I’M AN 8TH GRADER!”
Then immediately jumped into the pool in her school uniform.
That pretty much sums up her spirit perfectly.
My mom came over later and spent time with me, which meant so much. Tot and Grandma stood back-to-back comparing heights because somehow Tot is suddenly growing up overnight.
Mom also gave me an incredibly generous gift that left me overwhelmed with gratitude. New clothes are officially coming, and apparently Level 57 is leveling up in the wardrobe department too. (If I can find something that fits!) HA!
Throughout the day, my phone just kept lighting up. Friends. Family. Long-lost friends. Messages from people I haven’t talked to in forever. It felt like little reminders all day long that connection still matters. That people remember you, and that friends are forever even if you don’t talk in years.
I even got to talk to my BROTHER!!
Then hubby surprised me AGAIN with my favorite flowers and another beautiful card.
Coopy adores him too.
He and Tot also got me a Target gift card because apparently everyone agrees it’s time for mom to have some fun clothes
WOW. His cards are better than a new diamond ring. (Wait..what did I just say?) The best part was this:
I didn’t feel good, but I had my family, friends, and this little guy. I just love to stare at him.
Level 57 is looking really, really good. (Well, I have to put on my glasses to see that most of the time. Maybe I should just go glassesless because what you don’t see doesn’t hurt you!) HA!
And I’m deeply grateful for every person who helped make it feel so special.
Summer is almost here. Three more half-days of school, and two of those are finals.
Tatum is ready…ready to be done! She’s ready for summer. Ready for a reset. Ready for what is next.
Next year, she starts at Veritas. It’s a fresh start since she has basically been with the same kids at the same school since she was 5.
We have a busy summer ahead: Algebra. Latin. Reading….and just GETTING READY!
Last night, she told me she feels stuck between two versions of herself.
One version is the “crazy, fun, weird girl” who wears baggy clothes, doesn’t care too much about school or what she wears. The other version is the “smart, pretty, put-together girl.”
OH, wow! That is what they call: Thirteen. That awkward middle. She is now old enough to wonder who she is.
So I told her what I hope she remembers. She can be BOTH! I told her about when I had my first job with Eli Lilly as a pharmaceutical rep. I would get dressed in my cute little suit and heels. (What was I thinking!?) I was polished, prepared, professional, and put together.
I said, “You do not have to shrink yourself into one category just so other people know what to do with you.”
BECAUSE, the second I got home? Hair on top of my head…Face washed, jammies!
And neither version was fake.
We don’t have to choose one! Just so we are still the same person on the INSIDE. .
So I asked Tatum, “What qualities do you want to for sure have? Who do you want to be?”
She said:
Smart.
Pretty.
Kind.
A good friend….(?)
Explain…
Loyal.
A good listener.
Someone who cares about people. (and birdies!) heehee
Okay then, let’s stick to those.
And then I asked, “And a Jesus follower?”
“Yes,” she said. Of course. (That one matters most).
SO THIS SUMMER…is really about….
I think…. preparing her heart.
She does not have to become less fun to be smart, or less weird to be pretty, or less herself to be accepted.
SHE CAN BE: Fully Tatum.
She is just at the beginning of another becoming. I love being on the front seat. I LOVE YOU!
Mother’s Day did not start off picture perfect. (well, does any day!? HA)
I wanted to go to church….I wanted the light, easy day. However, Tatum didn’t feel well, so we stayed home. Doug and I had not the best morning either, and honestly, it all just felt heavy from the beginning.
I blame myself.
I never want to be a burden. I never want to feel like the problem. I want our home to be light and warm and jovial. I try so hard to make it feel that way. I keep it clean. I put out flowers. I make it cozy. I want it to feel like a place people (well, lately, just us) want to be.
But sometimes, with how I’ve felt for so long, I feel anything but light. In fact, many days, I feel dark. Non-functional. Sad. Heavy. (forgive me, Jesus)
And I try so hard not to bring that onto my family, but some days I just can’t hide it. Some days the tears come anyway. Mother’s Day morning was one of those days. It became a bit of a cry fest.
And then… Austin. Whoda thunk!?
Out of the blue, he sent me a text thanking me for making his pops so happy.
What?
That completely undid me because that very morning I had been telling Doug that I felt like I had ruined his life. That I had ruined his chance at happiness with everything I’ve put him through. And then, almost like God let someone else speak into the exact place I was hurting, Austin sent that..those words.
Doug then brought. me a whole bushel of sunflowers. He knows me sooooo well.
They truly do something to my heart. They brighten the room, but they also brighten me. God still knows exactly how to reach me.
And then there was Tatum. Oh, Tatum.
She had been working on an “edit” for me. She loves making videos, and this one was for Mother’s Day. She could not wait to show me. She showed me in the morning when she saw me crying in my bedroom, then added more to it later and told me she was going to show me again that night, so I needed to be surprised.
The video had all these little definitions: Mom. Funny. Best friend. Attractive. Pretty. Beautiful.
It was funny and sweet and dramatic and adorable and perfect.
and there was more!
She ended it with me basically awe-inspired.
Tatum never writes much in cards. Usually I’m lucky if I get a name and a quick note. But this time she wrote. Really wrote…and it was truly from her heart.
She thanked me for always listening to her nonsense, for doing the things that can be overwhelming, and for loving her. She told me she loves me. She called me her everything..JUST wow.
And then came the gifts. Now, I love gifts like the next gal, but these MEANT something.
A whole basket of treasures. A grateful sign (from my HHH), A little crocheted sunflower with a smiley face (HE knows what makes me smile as well as a heart that said, “Always remembered, forever loved.”). From Tot: A puppy stuffed animal. A Woodstock cup. A floral cup. Little glass birds. A pink tree. A mother-and-child figurine that said, “A mother holds her child’s hand for a while but their heart forever.”
And Doug’s card.. He ALWAYS delivers the most precious words.
It was all of the thought. The noticing. The way they knew what would make me smile. The way they chose things that felt like me. The way they kept choosing me on a day when I felt like too much. This was the perfect Mother’s Day.
It started with tears, disappointment, and that awful feeling that maybe I bring more weight than joy.
But by the end of the day, surrounded by sunflowers and my family, this Mother’s Day was not ruined.
It was redeemed.
Epilogue
The next morning (Monday), the ride to school was ANYTHING but peaceful. We were running very late, and Tatum takes the anger she has for herself out on me, and then she admits it..but always after the fact. We sat in the parking lot. (mind you she was now 5 minutes late). I wouldn’t let her go in yet. I held her in my arms as she sobbed. Then I prayed over her and had her wipe her tears. We walked in the office then, head held high. She’s got this. Then…11:25.
Yesterday, I was a bit under the weather…not the dramatic kind of under the weather, but I was just not very active. I was tired. And honestly, I felt a little sad too.
But first, Jesus…that is where I keep running. Over and over and over again. I run to Him when I am scared. I run to Him when I am weak. I run to Him when I am frustrated. I run to Him when my body feels like too much…and when I am sad. And guess what? He fills me. I just wish he’d heal me completely, physically. But, not yet.
But, yesterday, a Jesus moment came through Tatum.
Now, let me be honest. We had a rough start. Finals are coming, and there was homework to finish, and I could feel myself getting frustrated. She was not staying on task the way I thought she should, and I started doing that mom thing where I believe if I just push harder, explain louder, redirect one more time, or hover intensely enough, somehow everything will magically get done. It does not work that way, unfortunately.
Yes, I need to chill sometimes, and I need to let her fail, but that is hard to watch. I cannot force her into focus. I cannot control every outcome. I cannot make finals less stressful by becoming more stressed. That one is on me.
But somehow, by the grace of God, we got to a good place.
A really good place.
At some point, Tatum took a picture of me. I was not trying to pose. I did not feel cute. I did not feel strong. I did not feel like the best version of myself.
And she looked at it and said, “You’re so pretty, Mommy.”
Then she made it the lock screen on her phone.
Man. Just…geez.
Later, we were watching Grey’s Anatomy reruns together, because apparently that is what you do when life feels heavy and you want fictional hospital chaos to distract you from your own. There was a scene where a pregnant woman had been hurt in the hospital, and she asked for a lawyer because she wanted to make sure her child would be protected. She did not have a will, and she wanted everything in place.
And suddenly, I was crying.
Because I remembered…I remembered the hospital. I remembered Tatum in the incubator. I remembered her birth mom, April, in that room. I remembered April’s mom right outside the room. It was a defining moment.
The hospital person came in, and April officially made me, Stephanie Knight, the mother on Tatum’s birth certificate…She could have changed her mind right then and there.
But she didn’t. She chose me….ME!
She chose Tatum’s future with me as her mommy.
And in that moment, I became Tatum’s mom officially in the eyes of the hospital, in the birth certificate paperwork, and in the eyes of the woman who had carried her. I could take her home. My baby…home! I will never forget that.
Tatum saw me crying and started comforting me. Then she asked, “When did you tell me I was adopted?” And I told her the story. She was four. I’ll never forget that night. I was teaching a night class at GCU, and suddenly I just knew. I knew in my spirit. I knew in my mom heart. I knew that that was the night. So I let my students go home early.
I drove home, and Doug was there, and my mom was there. I had a book ready.
Before that night, I had always told Tatum she was born from my heart. But that night, we read the book and told her more of the story. She may not have understood every detail at four years old. But she knew the most important part….THAT SHE was chosen, wanted, and loved completely.
And I would always, always be her forever mommy.
So, we stopped the show and she disappeared into the office. She started looking through our massive collection of picture books.
And when I say massive, I mean we have kept almost all of them. (this is a SMALL number of what is left. But still…shelves and shelves of stories. Every night…almost daily for minutes..sometimes hours until maybe three years ago.
But.. then the sweetest thing happened. Tatum started pulling books off the shelves.
Not just any books. The ones we remembered.
And then she started to read to me….and read to me. Like a teacher! (which BTW is her dream…and I hope she lives it out!) I had been feeling awful. Truly awful.
But then I laughed and listened. I forgot about the pain for a little while. I forgot about feeling sick. It was kind of an unexpected, Jesus-given break.
And maybe that is what made it so special. Nothing monumental happened. We did not go somewhere fancy. There was no big event. No perfect schedule.. Heck it was unplanned!
This memory just opened a door of happiness.
Then I saw my Coopy sitting at the door waiting.
And my wonderful husband outside, working hard like he always does, making our home more beautiful. Just your basic ordinary day.
But it was holy.
Sometimes the best days are not the ones where everything goes perfectly. Sometimes they are the days where you start frustrated, cry during a TV show, end up surrounded by children’s books, and realize God has been with you the whole time. And that is what kept me going. Yesterday, Tatum kept me going.
And of course, Doug loved us by serving…and Coopy waited for me (or someone!!) in his little sunny spot.
And I was reminded again that my life is not perfect, but it is full.
Thank You, Jesus, for my family.
And thank You that I get to be Tatum’s forever mommy.
Tatum has been at Paradise Valley Christian Preparatory since kindergarten.
Well, almost.
In 5th grade, we made the decision to pull her out and homeschool, and she continued homeschooling through part of 7th grade. Then she returned to PVCP to finish out 7th grade. So in many ways, PVCP has been part of her whole childhood.
And now, it is time for a change.
It’s been a difficult year going back to school in 7th grade. We thought this school would be it, but God may have other plans. For Tatum, we began talking about high school. I have always hoped she would receive a classical education…one rooted in great books, rich discussions, strong writing, history, logic, language, and the kind of academic formation that teaches students how to think, not just what to memorize. Originally that is what drew me to Great Hearts. And now, that is coming true.
At first, we were looking ahead to high school. But the more we thought about it, the more it made sense to begin in 8th grade. Instead of waiting for 9th grade to be the big transition, she can step into the community a year earlier. She can learn the rhythms, meet students, build friendships, understand the expectations, and walk into high school already feeling grounded. PLUS…she has to know Latin! That means WE BOTH need to become proficient over the summer.
NO pressure.
But honestly? It feels like such a gift.
Veritas is a small school, and that matters to us. I love the idea of her being in a place where students are known, where classes are thoughtful and challenging, where there are athletics and clubs and opportunities to try new things. I love that she will be surrounded by students who are being asked to read deeply, speak clearly, write well, and wrestle with big ideas. AND the curriculum is no joke.
She will be walking into 8th grade with Latin III, which means this summer will include a Latin crash course. She also has to take Algebra I next year, so I am very thankful she took Algebra 1/2 this year. That will help. But yes, there will be math this summer too. *LOTS*
So basically, this summer will be part rest, part preparation, part “welcome to classical education.” Latin and algebra, here we come.
For Tatum, it’s a fresh start, and I pray it truly is.
Tatum is ready for something new. She is ready to meet new people, make new friends, and step into a different environment. She is excited about high school again, and that alone feels huge.
I have always wanted Tatum in a Christian school environment. I value faith being part of education. I value Scripture, prayer, and a worldview that acknowledges God. But I have also been thinking a lot about what it means for faith to become personal.
Sometimes when something is around us all day, every day, we can begin to take it for granted. And I wonder if, for Tatum, this next season may actually strengthen her faith in a different way. Not because it is handed to her in every class period, but because she has to own it. Because she has to think about what she believes. Because she has to live it in a broader environment, among students from different backgrounds and perspectives. That used to scare me, but I now think it may be good for her.
Our home will still be rooted in faith; our conversations will still be shaped by Jesus. Our values are not changing. But maybe this is a chance for her faith to become more alive. That is part of GROWING up!
She hopefully is becoming more prepared TO THINK which is not what I am seeing in our younger generations. And I want that for her.
I want her to have teachers who expect a lot from her and a community where she can grow into herself.
YET, STILL be that playful, silly self
PVCP has been part of Tatum’s story since kindergarten. And now Veritas gets to be part of the next one. I AM SO excited to be on the front seat. FOR 8th, high school, friendships, opportunities, and a fresh start.
ALL those amazing days of us reading together and learning together ….NOW we are transitioning into YOU just becoming more and more independent.
Tatum, let’s start really learning and growing. You are becoming MORE of the beautiful woman of God you already are.
Lately, Tatum and I have been watching Love on the Spectrum. What I didn’t expect was how deeply she would connect with it. We love to root for them, laugh with them, and understands them in a way that feels so natural. Tatum has always had a soft spot for people with special needs. She volunteers at church with the special needs kids, and she has friendships at school with peers on the spectrum. She sees people for who they are, not how the world labels them. I LOVE THAT.
Sometimes, I honestly can’t help but wonder about her brain. I wouldn’t call her special needs.
But I would absolutely call her…special. Her imagination is alive in a way that most people slowly lose as they grow up….but not her. Not even at 13.
She still collects things. Well, I used to think it was just lots of j__k, but to her, they all have meaning.
Her dad (their Sunday tradition) recently bought her a bright green stuffy named Calvin. When she got home, Calvin didn’t stay just a stuffed animal….He got transformed
She made him a hat. A bed. A phone. A pillow.
And now Calvin has a place right alongside all of her other “special stuffs” (thanks to Dad for hanging that net that now holds her treasures).
She is fully, unapologetically herself, and I love that about her.
This weekend we went to the bird store with Ollie to get his wings clipped,
and while we were there, Tatum danced with a cockatoo. Just being her silly self.
Later, she went to Hayden’s birthday party. These friendships…Hayden, Liam, Lincoln have been part of her life since kindergarten. It’s just so great.
Saturday Night (Because We’re Not Rookie Churchgoers )
We started Easter…Saturday night. Because let’s be honest…Easter Sunday at church? It’s like the mall on Black Friday…or a sold-out concert.
Everyone shows up. The “C & E” crowd makes their annual appearance. (Not judging…just being honest ) Going the night before was such a blessing. It was so special. THE WHY Of our faith and how the UMBRELLA he provides through our “stuff” is always with us.
The next morning…I woke up not feeling great.
It was one of those “here we go…” kind of mornings. But I had planned a brunch, and I wanted to be present! (Literally and figuratively). I PRAYED: “God, help me show up.”
I couldn’t go on the bike ride with Tot and Dad…so they went without me but TOT had her hat on, and she brought Winston riding with her. I loved picturing that.
When they got back…it was time for the hunt.
And this year… I actually hid them WELL.
I had the table ready…and of course we had to snap a few pics. I was so in awe of how much I’ve changed in 3 years. (Literally like 30 lbs and you can tell. ) TOT STILL IS GORGEOUSl
Three years ago:
YIKES. Tot is so stinking cute still….
But my honey and I still got it…He looks so handsome, and I’m starting to fill out again. Thank you Jesus.
all with my little “Steph healthy spin,” of course. I think my mom even liked it!
We sat, we ate, we laughed.
And Coopy? He was in the middle of it all, like always. Watching. Hoping.
And sweet Ollie was right there with us too. It was a full house..full of LOVE.
Tot got one of those break-apart chocolate bunnies…
That poops gummy carrots.
I mean… who thinks of this stuff??
And yet..it was the highlight.
Doug sent me this pic taken from the moon just the other day. I was in awe.
Just a small piece of HIS creation; OUR EARTH, and yet it is still relevant to all of us:
He is risen.
Yes, it’s a reminder.
That even when your body feels off… when plans don’t go perfectly… when life is a mix of joy and struggle all in the same morning…There is still new life.
New creation…..New attitudes.
A fresh start…again.
That’s what I loved most about this Easter.
It wasn’t perfect. (for sure), but it was real.
And somehow…that made the hope feel even stronger.
