Hay Happens and Hay's Happen

I am learning so much lately. It’s a constant reminder of what I have done to my body with full awareness (not eating enough but I thought I was) and then what I did because I couldn’t tolerate much food (because my gut became so dysregulated). Now, I have to heal but the process is extremely debilitating and humbling.

Part 1: For years, my body was living in a state of quiet emergency. NOW this wasn’t starvation or collapse. It was just not enough fuel + constant gut stress, day after day after day.

To survive, my gut became an alarm system: Pain, pressure, gas, unpredictability. Apparently, my brain learned: digestion = threat. So every time food moved through my gut, my nervous system paid attention; it adapted by turning the volume knob up.

SO….when a body doesn’t have enough energy for a long time, it protects itself by becoming hyper-sensitive. What does that mean?

• Signals that should feel mild feel intense
• Normal sensations get interpreted as “too much”
• The body reacts early, not late

IT ADAPTED, and  my legs and body became part of the warning system. It started to use pain and nerve signals to “signal” trouble. SHUTDOWN> That looks like: burning legs, heavy. limbs, tranquilized feeling, not able to keep eyes open, body fading. (We thought it was low blood sugar or thyroid or hormones…etc). BUT it was my nervous system saying:

“We don’t have the reserves for this. Slow everything down.”

IT FEELS LIKE YOUR IN HE_L.

But the frustrating part? It’s like a see-saw. One day I feel functional; the next COMPLETE OPPOSITE> But, if my nerves were damaged, symptoms would be constant, worsen, and never disappear. Mine fluctuate (gut dependent usually) Like if my gut is overly active, gassy, distended: my day is completely shot. I hear, however, nerves are plastic. They can get back to normal. Mine are just overreactive.

Part 2: My symptoms feel WORSE during healing. This is the hard part; it is the cruel part no one warns people about. I am finally eating enough, gaining weight, and reducing my gut issues (By detoxing off all supplements and meds); my nervous system doesn’t instantly relax. Apparently, it says:

“Wait… is this safe? Are we really okay now?”

So it flares on and off while it relearns safety. Symptoms resurface during refeeding/recovery; they feel intense and make me doubt EVERYTHING. It’s called recalibration. (not relapse) HA!

Part 3: Enter: Nortriptyline LOW DOSE (10mg)…I started at 3 and have ramped up slowly. This TCA (usually at high doses is used for depression but in low doses used for gut-brain axis issues) What it is supposed to do is turn the volume knob down on overreactive nerves. But it doesn’t work OVERNIGHT. (sad). It helps my nervous system stop yelling when it doesn’t need to.

SO what I’m praying for is by weeks 4-6 my flares are less intense, recovery is faster. I have about 2-3 days per week where I feel like a human being. The others, well, not so hot. I have to put on my happy face and just make it through somehow. By March or early April, these patterns hopefully will stop dominating my life

Part 4: I have consciously made the choice to eat 1800 calories EVERY SINGLE DAY no matter what (starting Dec. 11, 2025). It has been 9 weeks. This is important because my brain keeps asking “is this enough?” I have resorted some energy availability; allowed my nerves to START  calming, and I’m giving my system a chance to heal. SLOWLY (and it’s VERY uncomfortable). I do not have ANY hunger signals. In fact, food sounds terrible, but I eat anyway. ON FAITH. After I finish, I wear a warm compress as to allow my stomach to not flare up.

What still needs to happen? Retraining my nervous system to fully trust consistency; rebuilding tolerance to normal digestion; and fully stabilizing autonomic responses. THAT TAKES TIME at stability NOT force. (I CANNOT WILL IT). This is why without the STEADFASTNESS of GOD and his powerful presence in my life, in my HUMANNESS, I would have given up.

I am teaching my body: I AM SAFE.

Part 5: What can I expect the next year to look like?
Based on my patterns of symptoms that come and go, improvement in gut pain/stuckness, and ability to function on even hard days: I would hope that over the next 2-4 weeks: burning (shoulders, eyes, legs) is less intense; sedation doesn’t flatten me; bad days recover faster, and fewer “what the hell is happening” moments.

Over the next 2–3 months: ( I PRAY)

• symptoms stop dominating decisions
• gym becomes consistent again
• food feels less dangerous
• I stop thinking about this all day

Long-term: This isn’t ME, and it doesn’t define my life.

My nervous system is UNLEARNING how to survive in years of stress. It’s an uneven, frustrating, emotionally taxing, and hopefully (NO, IT WILL BE) temporary state.

I am in the recalibration phase: this is the hardest one mentally, but the one WILL END.

Today is Monday.
Today is my first official day in the Institute for Integrative Nutrition Health Coach Training 

And if I’m being honest, today feels awful.

My nervous system feels loud and fragile. My digestion feels heavy, stuck, and uncooperative..like I’m moving in wet cement. I feel droopy (heavy lids/burning eyes (and not from lack of sleep), foggy, burning legs/shoulders, and extremely uncomfortable, with that familiar sensation of being trapped in my own body, especially through my transverse colon. It’s not subtle, and it makes sitting still hard and focusing even harder.

YET here I am.

I’m sitting at my computer, watching the first modules as my body screams at me. Part of me wonders how I can possibly commit to something new when I feel this depleted. BUT I SHALL CONTINUE MOVING FORWARD.

This program is more than coursework for me. It is an ANCHOR. A place to plant my feet when my body feels unreliable. I HAVE to convince myself that things are getting better, and this will help me do just that.

I have spent years in a vicious cycle: underfeeding myself (thinking I wasn’t), then overcorrecting my gut in the name of healing. Too little. Too much. Restriction. Intervention. Hope. Disappointment. Rinse and Repeat; AND somewhere along the way, my nervous system learned to stay on high alert, and my digestion learned to freeze. WHAT THE HECK? This is not “Googleable,” so I feel crazy. Like, what is WRONG WITH ME!

But today, I’m choosing a different posture.

STEADFASTNESS

I don’t feel good today. I don’t feel strong. I don’t feel clear. What I feel is tired and uncomfortable and unsure. But I have to have: HOPE. HOPE is that education will help me understand my body with more compassion instead of judgment. Hope that learning how to coach others will continue to teach me how to listen (gotta learn to myself first!….hard.) Hope that this very suffering will one day be the GENESIS from which I help others heal.

Because if there’s one thing I know already, it’s this:

NOBODY who hasn’t sat in this kind of discomfort can truly understand it. And one day, when I sit across from someone who feels stuck, afraid, bloated, exhausted, and hopeless, I will not rush them. I will not minimize them. I will not try to fix them too fast. I’ll just LISTEN. I’ll AFFIRM them. I will bring compassion, drive, and an overcoming attitude not because I read about it, but because I lived it.

And I am choosing to believe that this is part of turning the corner. That this commitment will matter. That healing doesn’t always start when you feel better… sometimes it starts when you decide not to give up.

Today, I BEGAN, and I plant a seed, and someday, I pray, I will pay it forward.