We were on our way to the gym, and I was already weepy as we drove, and I apologized again.
I told her how ironic it felt: going to the gym with my girl has always been my dream… and here we were, and I couldn’t even work out.
Sunday…although going to church (a win!!), I was quite the mess…Gut stuck. Heavy lids. That sedated, foggy fatigue that makes you feel like you’re watching your own life from behind glass. I knew I couldn’t participate the way I wanted to, but I had made her a promise, and I was going to keep it. So while driving, I said,
“I’m just… sorry, Tatum.”
She looked at me like I’d spoken a foreign language.
“For what?”
I tried to explain without dumping it all on her (which I shouldn’t do, but I’m human). I told her I just wanted to participate more. That I felt like I was existing instead of being involved with her, with my husband, with people I love. The sadness surprised me with how big it was.
And then my daughter said something I will carry forever.
“Mommy, I’m grateful you got sick. First of all, it’s a blessing you weren’t like this when I was 0–6. That would have sucked. Now I’m really independent.
And Mom, if you hadn’t gotten sick, we wouldn’t be this close. We’re closer than ever. You are my best friend.
And I wouldn’t love school the way I do. I love learning. I love being there. I love getting strong. That came from watching you.
And my birds…I wouldn’t even have them! I have so much compassion because I’ve seen so much for a kid.”
HUUUUH!?
When we parked, she gave me that SQUEEEEEZY hug..it made time stop.
I gave her a ring to tell her thank you, and that I pray for her DAILY.
Some days I feel like I’m falling short of the mom I want to be.
And then my daughter gently reminds me that presence doesn’t always look like perfection and being ON IT. THE HARD THINGS make us better and closer in every way.
Today, I’m holding onto that.
And I’m holding onto her. XXOO