I began 2025 convinced this was my healing year. So I got a new haircut.
Why not!? I had just been diagnosed with Eosinophilic Esophagitis and was starting Dupixent. For the first time in a long time, I thought, This is it. This is the big problem. I believed that once you finally name the problem, healing should follow in a straight line.
I also had the opportunity to fly!! To help a group of teachers in South Carolina. It was a start to a NEW HOPE and NEW year!
I was hopeful. Certain. Ready.
But almost immediately, something didn’t fit the story I had written in my head.
The endoscopy in May showed the EOE was gone and I was thinking how grateful I was. BUT, symptoms remained.
I started having shutdown days; full-body, nervous-system collapses that landed me in bed with no explanation. Not once in a while. Every other day. Like clockwork. There was no clear trigger, no lab value waving a red flag, no obvious reason my body kept saying no. And my gut?? A new symptom every day!! Either my stomach wouldn’t digest food, it would freeze, it would digest too fast, or the worst….gas would get trapped and create complete overhaul of my system. With this, my whole body would just shut down like I took the strongest tranquilizer coupled with extreme nausuea. SO CRAZY. (and scary).
So we searched.
But at this time, Tatum was homeschooling and we were active in the weekly Co-op; by March, we were FINISHED. It was going to be just her and me. And ironically that was my saving grace. Her love filled me and kept me going.
Starting 7th grade, we had some new routines, but all in all, we focused on devotions, math, writing, and reading. Her first paper/presentation was on her missions: “When I die I hope I am remembered for three important things: kindness, loyalty, and being an inspiration; I want others to see Jesus through my actions.”
The other things we’d poke at here and there. It was the best we could do. (She was still going to finish her book!!) (more later on this).
The Year of Rabbit Trails
Looking back, 2025 was not a year of denial or avoidance. It was a year of relentless effort.
We thought maybe it was metals and mold. That theory made sense!! (until it didn’t).
Then we thought, No, look at her fasting insulin. It’s a one. A two. Prediabetes. Blood sugar dysregulation. That must be it.
I wore CGMs.
Did glucose challenges.
Saw an endocrinologist.
Then came the deeper dives:
Endoscopies.
CT scans.
Brain scans.
Mold testing.
Metal testing.
I hired a mold specialist.
I hired a recovery/refeeding “refeed” person after years of restriction from gut issues
New protocols.
New supplements.
New explanations.
Each one brought a flicker of hope: finally, this explains it….followed by another shutdown day that erased the certainty. OH, and we accumulated supplements. HECK, I could open up a Hay Pharmacy (along with our library we were in business). HAHA. Over and over again. (like GROUNDHOG DAY). It felt like being stuck on a treadmill to nowhere in the dark with NO HOPE.
What I couldn’t see while I was in it was this:
I wasn’t broken.
MY BODY was overwhelmed.
The Truth That Changed Everything
The realization that finally landed was that I had been over-treated and underfed for far too long. Shoot, before 2018, I BARELY saw a doctor and didn’t take ONE PILL. …nothing. Nada. Zilch. (except an occasional Advil).
Protocol stacked on protocol.
Restriction layered on top of restriction.
Constant monitoring. Constant fixing.
All while my body was starving for nourishment, safety, and consistency.
My nervous system eventually did the only thing it knew how to do.
It said: STOP THE MADNESS!!
Those shutdown days weren’t random… I think they were protection. (and a foghorn).
And now, my nervous system is doing what it does best; it’s fighting back. Not against me, but for me. Healing, I’m learning, doesn’t always feel like progress. Sometimes it feels like resistance.
What Stayed When Everything Else Shifted
This year stripped away so much certainty, momentum, even parts of my identity, but it also revealed what was unshakable…steadfast.
My husband has been steadfast beyond words. There he is, coffee in hand, lunch / brekkie in tote and Coopy watching him say goodbye. (sad Coopy: his playmate is leaving!)
Through every theory, every protocol, every hopeful turn and devastating letdown, he stayed. He never rushed me. Never minimized my experience. He walked every rabbit trail with me without needing answers of his own. His steadiness carried me when I couldn’t carry myself.
Oh, and he got a PROMOTION! A new job! He needed a change after way too long on a “going nowhere” NASA project. This job would be much more challenging and exciting at Honeywell. His old team sent him away with a party. (Yay he’s gone!! Or NOOOOOO don’t leave us!!). Yes, the latter. We are so proud of him.
Then there’s the Tot. My bumby. My cutie pie. My daughter…. We’ve been together almost 24/7. She has watched me wax and wane in real time; the hard days, the quiet wins, the moments where I had nothing left to give. And yet she has been patient, kind, and fiercely loyal. She is my best friend in the most endearing, grounded way. We have each other’s backs. Always. Gosh I’m going to miss her when she goes back to school. But, it is FOR HER BEST!! (and mine too).
Our pets became daily joy and rhythm. Oh, I adore Rio/Ribi/Ribiboo. He’s my fav..but don’t tell the other birdies. He always comes up to kiss me or talk to me when I am near.
His personality is like no other.
Ollie and Rio. They are true siblings.
Bluebell came into our world in the summer, and Rio hasn’t been the same.
Rio and Bluebell are inseparable. Rio and Bluebell are truly sitting in the tree…K.I.S.S.I.N.G! They are ready soon for the next “ahem.”
And my Coopy, who never needed explanations, only presence. HIS constancy mattered more than I ever expected.
AND OF COURSE, Jesus’ presence met me where understanding failed me. Enough said.
I was telling Doug about my little smiles that happen to me daily (and that I couldn’t live without). The small, practical mercies: my dishwasher, my wet vac (truly life-changing), my vacuum (because bird seed is not forgiving), and my Wonder Oven. When your capacity is limited, anything that makes life easier is not little. It’s grace!
I need to mention Dr. Ruiz. He never treated me like a problem to solve, but a person to care for. In a year full of searching, that kind of care mattered more than any test result. I hope to be working with him in 2026.
The Sermon That Reframed the Year
I returned to church at the end of the year. Not because I “felt better,” but because I needed to tell my nervous system to SHOVE IT. THIS sermon finally gave language to what I had been living.
Jesus, at twelve years old, lost to His parents for days. Mary (and Joseph) searched everywhere…panicked, heartbroken. When they finally found Him, He was in His Father’s house.
Mary didn’t understand. How could He do this to her? How could this make sense?
BUT…He wasn’t lost.
The line that I HAD TO WRITE DOWN was this:
“Understanding is not a prerequisite to trust.”
Mary didn’t yet understand who Jesus fully was. She didn’t understand the why. But she trusted. We often don’t get it. Why God? Why is this so hard!? But. God.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. (Proverbs 3:5-6)
This year forced me to confront how tightly I cling to understanding; how desperately I want explanations before peace. (but God doesn’t work that way).
The Quiet Grief
I won’t pretend there hasn’t been a lot of loss.
I have had to give up (or at least put on hold) friendships, outings, even some family relationships. Social life has narrowed. Invitations faded. Relationships were placed painfully on the shelf.
That grief is real.
But something else became clear: who stayed. Who loved me without requiring me to be “better.” Who remained present when I had nothing to offer but honesty. Those friends are “lifers.” (just like some of my family).
And I believe this with my whole heart; THERE WILL BE NEW chapters. I will make new friends. I will reconnect with the ones who stuck around. Life will open back up.
Where I Am Now
So here I am.
No new supplements.
No new protocols.
No new tests.
I am choosing repetition.
Boring.
Simple.
Safe.
I’m going back to church; not when I feel “better,” but now.
I’m signing up for school (more on this later) and stepping into business with Dr. (more later) (oh and NOT because I’ve figured it all out, but because I’ve lived it).
I’m dating my husband again.
I’m sending Tatum back to school.
I am living the best I can and will trust that this will improve.
As I close this year, I’m learning that trust doesn’t come from having answers; it comes from recognizing what has faithfully held me all along. And while there has been loss, there has also been steady grace. Our family has a saying about the 6G’s (the Hay family lives for these: GRIT, GRATITUDE, (being) GLAD, GOD, GRACE, , and GIVING. (the cracked plate means that nothing can truly break us because we have our glue and that is GOD).
I am grateful for the people who stayed, the little things (and big) that carried me, and the presence of JESUS when understanding failed me. This gratitude has been the start to where trust now grows. And so I step forward….not certain, not finished but steady. Trusting God (and holding HIM tight) with what I don’t understand, grateful for what I do, and finally at peace with letting that be enough.
