I don’t like the idea of resolutions because it puts a lot of pressure on oneself to completely rehaul and revise their lives. With me, I am already on the path of newness and recovery, so for me, it’s going to be keep doing what I’m doing but add some new ideas to the mix.
We started the day out making our plans for the year.
I bought these fake coins to help Tatum keep track of her screen time.
Let’s see how this goes! I just want her to be more mindful.
Then the three of us sat down to be reflective of last year’s goals and make new ones.
Tatum has some simple goals, and I like them because they are doable! We met with my cousin Kasey and my aunt Connie today, and so adding these times will be key for our new year. HOPEFULLY BIRDING!!!!
My honey has some revised ones too.
Mine again include the following. I am going to add these books since Kas and Morgan suggested them (and are reading them too)
Tatum wanted to add eating more lamb. SHE LOVES MY MEATBALLS and always does the happy dance.
May 2025 be wonderful and blessed. I love you, Jesus!
January started out with an immense amount of hope. Little did I know it would also be the end of many things. Vacations, dates, school, and well, quality of life as I knew it.
I had just been given a diagnosis of Colitis, and with that, I found an answer to guide me. This came in the form of a Dr. who would coach and guide me. It started out with a bang if you will. However, I did start to have some strange effects with my ears. I was put on Predinsone and Zithromax in thinking I had an ear infection or labyrinthitis. I also went to see an ENT and neurologist. These issues worsened as the year went on, but we weren’t sure if they were stemming from the gut or some other area of my body. I developed GERD and some horrific gut issues which superseded any SIBO or other I had faced in the past few years. And with this (due to the steroids probably or something (!!!??) which would begin the…)
This started the JOURNEY. The ADVENTURE (if you will)
Dr. Jordan Peterson has discussed the issue of the MESS. “The more mess at hand that you can see the more opportunity that’s there. OPPORTUNITY??!” (Huberman Podcast Dec 2024)
In his class, he has students do a project to find something around their neighborhood or family that isn’t set right and see if it could get set right. WHAT CAN HAPPEN!!? You GROW UP like MAD and you learn to become more patient and humble.
IT EITHER MAKES YOU OR BREAKS YOU.
The journey began after the unraveling of my health in February 2024. I thought I had hit rock bottom with SIBO and dysbiosis, losing over 20 lbs. But now, we were on a whole new level of suffering. The “quest” to find the answer (to the “MESS”) became my sole purpose.
Enter the Cancel Culture
Every Sunday, I used to sit down and make a plan for my week. Who will I contact for a coffee date? Who will I text to check on? What can we do as a family? What will be our dinners? Etc. I always have an AIM. A GOAL. A PLAN. Why? Because it gives me a sense of purpose and “giving back.”
Symptoms would become more and more debilitating. TO the point of “will I be able to function today?” I wouldn’t know until that morning. So plans began to wane as I would have to cancel last minute. (THAT KILLED ME as I am a planner and one who can be relied upon). But making plans was out the window. My soul would begin to ache as I would have to change my whole way of life. No longer could I look forward to vacations, dates, friendships, ministry opportunities. I would have to savor the moment and smell the roses in front of me. WOW. It would challenge me to the core.
Life got more complicated
Tatum developed some health issues, and we made a decision as a family for her to be homeschooled; Right smack dab in the middle of me not being able to be …well, ME! MY PASSION is to TEACH yet God would put me in the midst of my passion without being able to be passionate with my actions. My heart would ache as I lay in my bed wanting to be the BEST teacher for Tatum. (Coopster would comfort me) (big smile here)
Then there’s my Doug. My husband who I married till death due us part.
I felt the “Death” of me and who I was as a wife and mother. Mysterious symptoms with no answers would haunt me daily, as he hungered to have his wife present, all I could muster was fixing his meals and a measly conversation after him coming home from work. My energy would be used on research, teaching Tatum, and just existing.
Would I be taken seriously by ANYONE? Would anyone get it? Could I find a doctor who would hear my symptoms and help me find the ROOT CAUSE? Or would we continue down the road of bandaids, more tests, and more frustration. (AND THE QUEST TO FIND OUT WHAT IS CAUSING ALL OF THIS!!??)
November: Endoscopy: 3 biopsies of the esophagus.: I had 15 on the left side of esophagus
December: Allergist (thank you Dr. Koenigsberg!) and GI Doc (Shaheen): Got put on Budesonide and Dupixent
December: MRT test showing YELLOW foods only ! (no red means my gut is not leaky! YAY!)
19. December: CT and MRI scan of sinuses to see if EAR issue (MORE TO COME HERE!)
Dr. Katz, Dr. Patel, Dr. Dasari, Dr. Ruiz, 2 Endocrine docs (for thyroid and diabetes scare), Thyroid Queen (for hormones and thyroid), Dr. Bracher, Dr. Shaheen, Dr. Koenigsberg, and Dr. Killian (Neuro), and Dr. Bartell (ENT).SHEESH!
It’s exhausting. I’m exhausted. Tatum and Doug are totally exhausted. Could all of this…nausea and regurgitation and WOOZINESS be stemming from EOE? My gut? Or was there an inner ear issue? Some doctors chalked it up to me being in need of emotional support or even an antidepressant. That just broke me in half because I felt completely disregarded. Doug and Tatum would know I’m not making this up and I’m not DEPRESSED!
Highlights and serendipities
We discovered what was wrong at least in my gut. EOE. It’s called Eosinophil Esophagitis. FINALLY. Dr. Shaheen would help me and refer me to an Allergist who would put me on
A $6000/month medicine we got for FREE with her help writing the RX correctly and a COPAY program. JUST WOW.
With watching me struggle daily, Tatum has had her own bout of health struggles. I won’t go into detail here, but suffice it to say it was enough to bring her home from school. I had no idea how this would go as with each day I’d have to pretty much wing it. (sad face) Well, I watched her BLOSSOM.
Her writing would explode with creativity, voice, rhythm, maturity, and style (and her presentations)
Her ability to self monitor and be self-disciplined would be challenged yet grow
Her love and compassion for others would quadruple as she started to volunteer in special needs ministries. Also in the nursery at church. She is a NATURAL NURTURER
Her responsibility in taking care of not only RIO but our new OLLIE would abound.
Her frustration level with math and other challenging subjects would wane and she would pray more. (leading people to Christ)
We would begin the hunt for the RIGHT provider to help her with her health. (AND FIND ONE!)
She’d start strength training!
She would start a YOUTUBE channel to “channel” her creativity and display her love of God.
She’s playing so much piano!
For me, well, I had a few goodies happen too! I was part of a group of ladies called ENRICH where we met often to discuss leadership, goals, and becoming a true disciple through a lens of loving and growing with others. WOW. I met some phenomenal women!
Our small group grew closer and I have met a few TRUE friends who would pray for me and support me (and who I COULD LOVE ON AND PRAY FOR!!)
Also, my FOREVER friends (they know who they are) still are around and we continue to talk. I may not see them often, but our friendship is FOREVER!!!
My brother and Dolly (big squeeze to them) would call me often, and these relationships continue to grow!!
My mom started taking UBER and it has really opened up many opportunities for her. She and I continue to grow our relationship, and I’m so very grateful for her!! xoxox
I drew a few new art pieces. I will continue to draw because in it I get lost, and I also “overcome” the difficulties since this isn’t my natural talent.
I was honored to have an opportunity to speak to a group of teachers at a local school about my PASSION (from my dissertation: Writing Across the Curriculum). God opened the window that day, and I was SYMPTOMLESS. What a true blessing and it was totally run by HIM. I also continue to speak for GCU as an “expert!” (me!?)
Teaching is my passion. This never changes. I LOVE to give back at GCU and also to COYOTE (Tatum’s coop homeschool group)> And of course to my Tot. It’s truly an honor and a blessing….feeding into my own child. (and discipling her)
Doug
What happens when you begin an “adventure” or quest to find the “answers!?” Well, you assemble a team. Doug became my president. He would be present at all of my appointments. He’d pay for everything without question. He’d cry with me. BUT MOST IMPORTANT: HE became a prayer warrior. I know he’d leave for work feeling completely helpless. But at work, he’d spend each hour in prayer; and I felt it. HIS relationship with JESUS would grow. Our relationship? Perhaps it fell a bit in terms of romance and excitement. But in other ways it grew due TO THE STRUGGLE> This is what James calls “Call it all JOY that when you struggle, you develop perseverance.” (James 2)
He is the most patient man. (like Job). I’m so BLESSED. SO blessed!
Neuroplasticity
One of the benefits (?!) of being so ill is that you are forced to make changes. Sometimes in order to make a change and learn something new, you have to hit bottom (as for me, my health) and change ways. Now, it’s not a requirement, but if you want to grow and get better (no matter if it’s physical, mental, spiritual) it requires some sacrifice. This is where the beauty of design of God’s creation, our BRAINS, comes in handy! Andrew Huberman spoke extensively on this rewiring endeavor, and he pointed out that error-making is FUNDAMENTAL to growth. Many FEAR this, and give up too quickly. Well, for me, I had to learn many new things this year. For example, I went on many elimination diets and new ways of eating. It would take me about two weeks before I could wrap my head around making meat stock, for cryin’ out loud!
Why did I fear it so?! Or, making sauerkraut…or kefir or yogurt! Heck, they make it look so easy! But, again, when you are desperate, you WILL LEARN. I see that now as a benefit. I COULD learn and change! That is what neuroplasticity is all about. We can BECOME BETTER AND GROW! We just can’t give up in the midst of the struggle and not be afraid of making mistakes. Then the dopamine really kicks in! (Ha!)
Becoming Others-Centered
Being housebound and feeling so sick every day, you tend to become completely focused on the “TASK AT HAND” and that is: “WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME AND LET ME SOLVE THIS!” (as Peterson would task his students with). It becomes an obsession. From the outside, it looks as if I’m completely self-absorbed. But I know better. I know that all of this learning and isolation is leading me to a higher plane. A place of HELPING others (someday). I know this all has a higher purpose as I live by Romans 8:28 (All things work together for GOOD…HIS GOOD (for those who love HIM.) Oh, and I LOVE HIM!
Throughout this whole year I’ve experienced a gamut of emotions ranging from rage to apathy. Sadness, discouragement, frustration….complete and total despair. BUT, through it all, I’ve never left my first love. HIM. I know from the depth of my soul, that this will be made into something great. That HE WILL USE THIS FOR HIS GOOD, and something will be made into something so much bigger than me.
I continue to pray:
The Outlook
2025 promises to be bright. We have come so far and learned so much. I’ve lost many acquaintances but not true friends. They have stuck by me and have weathered this with me…with patience and understanding. My husband, daughter, and mom have been amazing. I also hired a coach, Astrid, to guide me in my nutrition and fitness. She is a rockstar due to her kindness, compassion, knowledge and patience with me. (she also just won a few fitness competitions YAY!)
I’m not going to sit here with a big game plan of goals and dreams, as I plan to take it one day at a time. However, I do have hope, and I do have a true TEAM of people cheering us on. I even got a new look to welcome in the new year.
Tatum will continue to thrive. Doug will continue to grow in leadership and with God, and we’ll grow too. Stay tuned. God, you’re definitely not done with me yet.
It’s that time of year when you ponder about your passions and see how to pursue them with laser beam focus. For me, I want to focus on my family and helping THEM pursue their particular passionate projects. Like my alliteration?
So, with that, let me tell you about my kiddo and where I see her developing.
First, on the outside, her strength! I love to see her starting to get stronger with the gym and lifting weights!
STRENGTH
Her trainer Emma says she is small but mighty. You think!?
Her drive is the same way when it comes to her imagination. The ideas that pop into her head and then get translated on paper are profound. Just this week, I gave her two prompts, and she immediately wrote two short stories. See below:
These were written in less than an hour:
Freedom in Feathers
Barnaby the parakeet had never known kindness. His owner, an elderly woman with a somber countenance and a voice that could curdle milk, was as cold as the drafty house they lived in. Each day, she’d snap at his chirps, her sharp retorts echoing off the peeling wallpaper. “Quiet, you wretched bird!” she’d snarl. Her words were like barbed wires, entangled with bitterness, leaving Barnaby trapped in his gilded prison.
One fateful morning, her hands—gnarled with age—fumbled while closing his cage. The door swung open, and Barnaby hesitated only for a heartbeat. With acute awareness of the fleeting moment, he launched himself into the sky. His wings sliced through the crisp air, each beat shedding the weight of years in captivity.
Hours later, Barnaby’s strength faltered, and he descended into a small yard, his feathers sprinkled with dust and exhaustion. A little girl, Lucy, was in the midst of an intramural game of soccer with her dog when she spotted him. Her face lit up, her bright eyes contrasting the old woman’s perpetual scowl.
“What’s this?” she whispered, kneeling beside him. Her voice was soft yet profound, carrying a warmth Barnaby had never felt.
He chirped weakly, unsure if he could trust her, but the kindness in her gaze made him stay.
“You look like you’ve been through so much,” Lucy said, her words thoughtful for someone so young. “Don’t worry. I’ll take care of you now. Ad infinitum, you’ll never have to feel alone again.”
She cupped him gently in her hands, careful not to frighten him. The simple touch, so delicate yet deliberate, untangled the fear that had wrapped itself around his heart.
That evening, as Lucy read aloud from her favorite book, Barnaby perched on her shoulder. Her laughter filled the room, a sweet clamor of joy that made him chirp in harmony.
In Lucy’s home, there was no harsh matriarch to rule over him with cruelty. Instead, there was only love, sprinkled out in every smile and gentle word. Barnaby, once a prisoner of misery, had found freedom—not just in flight, but in the boundless care of an 11-year-old girl with a heart as big as the sky.
AND…this one:
The Secret Power
Shaun and Luke were six-year-old twins who did everything together. They liked to play hide-and-seek, build forts out of couch cushions, and see who could climb the tree in our backyard the fastest. They also liked to boss me around. I’m their big brother, Matthew, and I’m eight, so I’m obviously the boss of them. But somehow, they never listen.
Anyway, the craziest thing happened to me last week. It all started when I was trying to read a comic book in my room. Shaun and Luke were being loud downstairs, yelling about who got the bigger cookie. I shut my door, squeezed my pillow over my head, and shouted, “Be quiet already!”
That’s when it happened.
Suddenly, everything went silent. Like, not even the birds outside were chirping. I sat up and looked around. My window was open, so I could see the trees swaying, but no sound came in. It was like the whole world hit the mute button.
I thought maybe I broke my ears or something. But then I said, “Hello?” and heard my voice echo perfectly. It wasn’t me. It was… them.
I ran downstairs, and Shaun and Luke were frozen mid-argument, mouths open, not saying a word.
“Guys?” I said, poking Shaun’s shoulder. He turned to me, blinking. Then he said, “What just happened? Why can’t I talk?”
Luke said something, but no sound came out.
“Okay, this is weird,” I said, and just like that—pop—everything went back to normal. The TV came back on, the birds outside started singing, and Luke yelled, “You stole my cookie!” like nothing had happened.
It didn’t take me long to figure it out. I had a superpower. I could make everything go quiet if I wanted to. But I couldn’t tell anyone—not even Shaun and Luke. I’d seen enough superhero movies to know that the government might show up and try to experiment on me or something.
The next day, I tested it out while we were eating breakfast. Shaun kept slurping his cereal super loud, and Luke wouldn’t stop tapping his spoon on the table. “Can you two please stop?” I said, and boom, silence again.
It was the best.
I learned how to control it a little better over the next few days. I could make it quiet in just one room or the whole house. I even stopped the school bell from ringing once (but that might’ve been a bad idea because Mrs. Jones got all confused and kept us in class late).
The best part, though, was using it to mess with Shaun and Luke. Like when they were watching their favorite cartoon, and I made the sound cut out right before the big fight scene.
“Matthewwww!” they’d whine, but I’d just grin and pretend I didn’t know what was going on.
Eventually, I figured out I could use my power for good. One time, the twins were having a meltdown in the car on the way to the park. Mom was trying to drive, but Shaun and Luke kept screaming about who got to hold the map.
“Quiet, please,” I whispered, and just like that, peace.
Mom didn’t know what happened, but she looked at me in the rearview mirror and said, “Thank you, Matthew.”
I just smiled.
So yeah, I’ve got a superpower. It’s cool, even if I can’t tell anyone. But honestly? Having quiet twins is the real superpower.
HOW TO HELP HER PURSUE HER PASSION
Next semester, I’m signing her up for a mentorship with a Creative Writing coach from Royal Fireworks Press (Mark Fillie). YES!! I can’t wait to help her along with this.
Finally, I see her HEART growing immensely for teaching and Special Needs. Here is a card from SBC Special Ministries. They love having her volunteer each week as well as the nursery. She gives her heart to the kids. SO MATURELY!
So, you see, strength, creativity and imagination (in her writing), and her heart for others. (and her birdies!) I love watching her grow in all areas as well besides these. More on those in another blog.
As for me? I see hope in trying a new medicine.
I may have to be on it for the rest of my life, but I am willing if it saves me. With EOE, there is no cure and it’s hard to know what causes it. I AM SO GRATEFUL that my insurance has covered it since it is about $6000/month otherwise. I pray for 2025 to see some healing and hope.
I miss my husband. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss my ministries. I miss so many things it’s too numerous to count. But, I have a new perspective on what is important. I am completely and totally grateful for all I have, and I will NEVER take anything for granted.
Oh, and finally, I must mention that my hubby has his passions for which he hopefully will begin to pursue. He has an invention that has been “in the closet” for eons, and I know he would love to focus on it. I see him being so creative and intentional with all his work (at Honeywell and the house). Therefore, I know this will be a success for him…or at least the journey will be a fun pursuit.
Me. Yep. For a long time. We take our health for granted.
2024 a year of trying to figure all this out.
Regurgitation, Nausea, Wooziness began. Now, when I say “woozy” I don’t mean your general fatigue or tiredness. No, this is if someone took a sedation gun and shot me between the eyes. I’m not able to even think or keep my eyes open…it’s almost a “dizziness” that doesn’t subside with even lying down.
Before this, it was YEARS of gut issues from dysbiosis (IBS), SIBO, colitis, gastritis, and GERD. Only to go completely DOWNHILL in the year 2024.
Tatum left PVCP to be homeschooled; Doug sacrificed “US” as a couple; Our family cancelled many plans last minute; No vacations, eating out, quick trips; over $50K in bills from supplements to tests to Dr. appts to promises of better health. What a year. But was it? I DID get closer to JESUS. I DID minimize my activities. I DID find joy in the small things like staring out the window and watching birds.
When you’re sick, you’ll buy or fall for anything because all you want is ONE THING: GET BACK TO HEALTH..whatever that means. For me, it meant functioning through the day without feeling like I had to go to bed. (and it wasn’t from depression) I just truly couldn’t walk or eat.
Here are all the tests I had done:
Feb 2024: Bravo Ph and endoscopy (Demister score: 15) Reflux diagnosed
Feb 2024: Esophogram: small hiatal hernia with questionable findings for low-grade reflux esophagitis.
March Blood test showed HIGH MCV (anemia, high cortisol, Low fasting glucose)
March: HIDA SCAN: Gall Bladder showed normal
April: Precision Point food test: RED: Egg Albumin, almond, Orange Peach, English Walnut, Kidney Bean, Mustard, Navy Bean, Plum , Soybean, String Bean, Tomato, Tuna
May: Anemic (Ferritin and Vitamin C low)
August: Blood test showed Eosinophils (ALLERGY): 1.7 (now I see what the rising level meant)
Sept: Blood test showed Elevated WBC, MCV, Eosinophils. .9 (went down to .8 in late Sept)
September: CT Scan showed constipation abdomen with contrast
September: 3 day parasite gut test: dysbiosis but mostly normal
November: Endoscopy: 3 biopsies of the esophagus.: I had 15 on the left side of esophagus.
A biopsy showing 10 eosinophils per high power field (HPF) is generally considered normal and would not be diagnostic for esophagitis, particularly eosinophilic esophagitis (EoE), which requires a significantly higher count (typically 15 or more eosinophils per HPF) to confirm a diagnosis; therefore, a count of 10 eosinophils would not support a diagnosis of esophagitis.
DIAGNOSIS: EOE: Eosinophil Esophagitis
Dr. Shaheen has prescribed budesonide oral for 12 weeks. (an oral steroid)
My main symptoms: Nausea and regurgitation AND a feeling of being drunk/hungover. I mean REALLY sedated/hungover, and I have cut out most everything. It is so frustrating to not know what is causing this. The joy of eating has gone out the window because I feel awful after I eat, and again, I don’t know what is “good” and “bad” for me.
Could it be a histamine release? I have so many more questions, and I feel AWFUL that I have become so self-absorbed. I truly take one minute at a time, and I try to find the joy in my day. If it wasn’t for my family, I probably would just be in bed, but I need to be a strong girl and show overcoming.
Jesus, I know you are WITH ME ALWAYS. I know you see all of this, and that you have a plan for me and my family. Maybe you could give me a break in 2025, and get me on the path to better health. I have a long list of what I miss, and the first thing is being “out” with my husband and CHURCH. I also miss family outings / experiences. Sorry for focusing on these things.
In the meantime, I have found solace in worship music videos. The comments on these videos are life-giving. Thank you for what you are doing in people’s lives. Please give us more insight into this as the year ends.
