We just hangin’. My sweet little buddy.
The staredown.
I lost.
Coopyhead
The Teen Brain and Becoming a Different Kind of Mom
Somewhere around thirteen, motherhood kind of changes. It seems like it has been coming slowly, and now suddenly, the way I need to show up for Tatum looks nothing like the way I did before.
Her emotions are sky-high now…whether they’re joyful or devastating. Everything feels bigger and heavier. She feels things about ten times more intensely than I remember feeling them… BUT I do remember how HARD it was to be thirteen. But these are different times.
What I’m learning is this: when she’s hurting, the pain often comes out sideways…..sometimes toward me, and sometimes toward her dad.
In that moment, it can hurt, and it can make me want to correct, lecture, or discipline; especially when her behavior looks “less than desirable.”
But here’s the thing I’m slowly learning (and failing at, and trying again): I need to listen. NOT FIX.
Every single night, Tatum and I talk. And eventually (ALWAYS) it all comes out.
The stories from her day honestly shock me. I forget how mean kids can be, and how subtle the cruelty, and the social dynamics can feel crazy. She’s just beginning to experience this world, and it’s heartbreaking to watch her have to go through it (but it’s necessary!)
My role now isn’t to gasp in horror. (HA!! It’s want I sometimes do!) OR to say, “Well, if it were me…” OR even to jump in with wisdom I think will protect her. NOPE. I have learned that I CANNOT act shocked or give unsolicited advice or especially share what I would do.
Instead, I have to sit in the discomfort and say things like:
“How did that make you feel?” OR
“Wow… that must have been really hard.” OR
“What do you think you’ll do?
I just LISTEN…if she wants my advice, she will ask for it.
Most of the time, she just needs to get the words out and be heard. To know she’s safe sharing w/o judgment.
Just yesterday, she went through a really painful situation with a boy at school. My heart broke for her. And the truth is, the way she handled it was thoughtful and mature. But before I knew the full story, her behavior at home triggered me, and my instinct was to punish first and understand later. BUT that would have been wrong. She asked me about 100 times for A HUG. She squeezed me so hard, and with that I KNEW her deepest wish.
JUST LOVE ME and BE HERE. PRESENT.
I’m realizing that parenting a teen is less about control and more about guidance.
Less about teaching lessons and more about modeling kindness, grace, and boldness; even when emotions are high and everyone is imperfect.
We’re both works in progress.
YET somehow, we are growing TOGETHER.
I love you, Tot. SO MUCH.
Grateful? Tatum, I love you
We were on our way to the gym, and I was already weepy as we drove, and I apologized again.
I told her how ironic it felt: going to the gym with my girl has always been my dream… and here we were, and I couldn’t even work out.
Sunday…although going to church (a win!!), I was quite the mess…Gut stuck. Heavy lids. That sedated, foggy fatigue that makes you feel like you’re watching your own life from behind glass. I knew I couldn’t participate the way I wanted to, but I had made her a promise, and I was going to keep it. So while driving, I said,
“I’m just… sorry, Tatum.”
She looked at me like I’d spoken a foreign language.
“For what?”
I tried to explain without dumping it all on her (which I shouldn’t do, but I’m human). I told her I just wanted to participate more. That I felt like I was existing instead of being involved with her, with my husband, with people I love. The sadness surprised me with how big it was.
And then my daughter said something I will carry forever.
“Mommy, I’m grateful you got sick. First of all, it’s a blessing you weren’t like this when I was 0–6. That would have sucked. Now I’m really independent.
And Mom, if you hadn’t gotten sick, we wouldn’t be this close. We’re closer than ever. You are my best friend.
And I wouldn’t love school the way I do. I love learning. I love being there. I love getting strong. That came from watching you.
And my birds…I wouldn’t even have them! I have so much compassion because I’ve seen so much for a kid.”
HUUUUH!?
When we parked, she gave me that SQUEEEEEZY hug..it made time stop.
I gave her a ring to tell her thank you, and that I pray for her DAILY.
Some days I feel like I’m falling short of the mom I want to be.
And then my daughter gently reminds me that presence doesn’t always look like perfection and being ON IT. THE HARD THINGS make us better and closer in every way.
Today, I’m holding onto that.
And I’m holding onto her. XXOO
Starting IIN on Monday: Day One: Showing Up Anyway
Today is Monday.
Today is my first official day in the Institute for Integrative Nutrition Health Coach Training
And if I’m being honest, today feels awful.
My nervous system feels loud and fragile. My digestion feels heavy, stuck, and uncooperative..like I’m moving in wet cement. I feel droopy (heavy lids/burning eyes (and not from lack of sleep), foggy, burning legs/shoulders, and extremely uncomfortable, with that familiar sensation of being trapped in my own body, especially through my transverse colon. It’s not subtle, and it makes sitting still hard and focusing even harder.
YET here I am.
I’m sitting at my computer, watching the first modules as my body screams at me. Part of me wonders how I can possibly commit to something new when I feel this depleted. BUT I SHALL CONTINUE MOVING FORWARD.
This program is more than coursework for me. It is an ANCHOR. A place to plant my feet when my body feels unreliable. I HAVE to convince myself that things are getting better, and this will help me do just that.
I have spent years in a vicious cycle: underfeeding myself (thinking I wasn’t), then overcorrecting my gut in the name of healing. Too little. Too much. Restriction. Intervention. Hope. Disappointment. Rinse and Repeat; AND somewhere along the way, my nervous system learned to stay on high alert, and my digestion learned to freeze. WHAT THE HECK? This is not “Googleable,” so I feel crazy. Like, what is WRONG WITH ME!
But today, I’m choosing a different posture.
STEADFASTNESS
I don’t feel good today. I don’t feel strong. I don’t feel clear. What I feel is tired and uncomfortable and unsure. But I have to have: HOPE. HOPE is that education will help me understand my body with more compassion instead of judgment. Hope that learning how to coach others will continue to teach me how to listen (gotta learn to myself first!….hard.) Hope that this very suffering will one day be the GENESIS from which I help others heal.
Because if there’s one thing I know already, it’s this:
NOBODY who hasn’t sat in this kind of discomfort can truly understand it. And one day, when I sit across from someone who feels stuck, afraid, bloated, exhausted, and hopeless, I will not rush them. I will not minimize them. I will not try to fix them too fast. I’ll just LISTEN. I’ll AFFIRM them. I will bring compassion, drive, and an overcoming attitude not because I read about it, but because I lived it.
And I am choosing to believe that this is part of turning the corner. That this commitment will matter. That healing doesn’t always start when you feel better… sometimes it starts when you decide not to give up.
Today, I BEGAN, and I plant a seed, and someday, I pray, I will pay it forward.
I want to be STRONG! Music to my ears
“I want to be strong.”
Not thin.
Not smaller.
Not “I’m getting fat” or “I wish I looked different.”
Strong!! She adds MORE weight today!
She’s never once said she wanted to be skinny. She’s never looked in the mirror and critiqued herself the way so many of us as girls/women have done. Instead, she talks about muscles. She talks about abs. She talks about what her body can do!
That feels like music to my ears.
When I was her age, the goal was skinny because that was the culture and the message we got. Strong wasn’t even part of the conversation. You didn’t lift weights! You did endless cardio in hopes of being SMALLER.
Tatum has never heard me say, “I want to be skinny,” and she’s never watched me stand in front of a mirror shaking my head in disappointment. (Okay… I’ll be honest, I’ve done that, just never when she’s watching.) What she has seen is me going to the gym and lifting weights. Getting strong was my goal.
We took a break from the gym for a while, and lately she’s been begging to go back. And now that we’re there again? She is doing HARD things! LIKE…
Sled pushes (125 lbs!!)
Squats
Push-ups
Shoulder presses
Bench press
SHE LOVES IT!. She asks for more weight. She wants to know what muscle she’s working. She’s proud when something feels challenging. Watching her is pure joy because she’s learning, early on, that her body is capable. OH, to save her from what I did to myself!
I don’t know what she’ll believe about her body years from now, but I do know that she can build this confidence and muscle now!!
I am proud of you, Tot!! Keep it up because we have a tough critique’y world, so be PROUD OF YOU!
I love my job at GCU
The opportunities are growing for me, and I’m so ever grateful. Ironically, the past two years I’ve been the sickest I’ve ever been in my whole life, yet my career grows.
My teaching has gotten more refined. The only way I can gauge my success is with my reviews.
I get one of these a month, and they truly make me smile. I don’t often get a negative one, but if I do, I pretty much know who it is from (as a one off!)
I get to speak OFTEN for them.
For example, once a month I present to a group of PRE teachers who will be taking the PRAXIS test. I get to help them/guide them and give them tricks and tips. I’ve been teaching this for 10+ years. SO MUCH FUN.
Just last month and this next one, I’ll present this topic… I get to speak for GCU often.
Ok, this is just plain FUN FUN FUN! I did my dissertation on this topic, so for me it’s a PASSION!
Also, I am currently mentoring a new hire. He will be teaching MKT 450 (Marketing) at GCU. It’s his FIRST online class to teach. He just called me this morning, and I LOVED guiding him through, taking him off the ledge and calming his fears. It made me feel like all the work I’ve done has been worth it. I get to share with him my tricks, and how I make the class function in an engaging, successful way.
Finally, I WRITE! I just finished my last article.
SO many hats, but each one is unique. I would do it all for free! HA! (But I don’t!)
Soon, I’ll be venturing into a new area and that is HEALTH COACHING. All that I have learned from GCU and from my own experiences with my health will aid me in being the most supportive, compassionate coach. I will continue all of my work at GCU, but this will just be a bonus joy. Tatum is now growing up, and I do have some time to invest in some new opportunities. I only pray that I can be used MIGHTILY by HIM. I still have much healing to go, but I cannot be idle and watch my life go by. I MUST LIVE and GLORIFY HIM in the process.
Tatum RUNS!!!
For fun now. Yes, up the mountain and down. This is Cross Country at PVCP. She absolutely adores this group.
They just had their meet, and she came in the middle. Not bad for just starting mid-year! Yes, she does need her inhaler CONSTANTLY, but she LOVES it. I love that she gets to make friends in this process too. Only 2 more weeks, and then she starts TRACK.
Let’s GO PANTHERS!!