Right now, I’m sitting here on the 4th of July pondering what I’m missing. The missing tile syndrome. This, I’m aware, is a toxic mindset, but honestly, I’m finding it harder and harder each day.
Tatum is growing up. She is becoming so beautiful in every way, and I want to be MORE a part of it. Doug, my sweet husband, has not had me present in so long, and for this, I have an immense amount of guilt.
“For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord….”
You say this, Lord, yet I sit here again, missing out as I heal.
This process of healing has humbled me to the depths. “I cry out to the Lord ; I plead for the LORD’s mercy. I pour out my complaints before him and tell him all my troubles” (Ps 142)
This is often my day…
I cried out to God for help; I cried out to God to hear me” (Psalm 77)
All of this “CRYING OUT” makes me feel so self-absorbed. And yet, I am! I remain a detective daily trying to find out the WHY behind the symptoms. Today, it’s another day of extreme fatigue, nausea, and other digestive distresses. The other side of the guilt is how I’m not living my potential. How can I enjoy this journey and bask in HIS Love for me when I physically feel so awful?
Please forgive my venting. Oh, Tatum and Doug. I want so much more for our family than survival and just existing day to day. I don’t want to go back to bed daily and see that face on Tatum as I can’t do much of anything with her or grow my relationship with Doug. Maybe one day…just maybe soon, I’ll be released from this. Can I please have some hope? Lord give me that hope as a deer pants before water, so my soul pants for more of YOU and more of LIFE.
In the meantime, I enjoy watching Tatum
DANCE
Make MOVIES
And Coopy?
He is patiently waiting too.
Dearest Doug, I’m coming back soon. I know I’m going to be better soon. Tatum? I’m going to be the best teacher ever for you. I know God hears me.
May I in the meantime focus on the mosaic and not the tile missing. (or two)