There are times (for all of us) where we act out or “lash out” and an innocent figure. It could be a stranger at a light or worse a loved one. Usually, it’s our most beloved ones.
You see, Tatum has moments where she will attack impulsively with her words. She might not even know why because at that moment, her conscience is bothering her from something that happened earlier that day, and she feels shame or guilt. Then, when I ask her a question or I make a comment, she’ll react with that shame/guilt (which is stuffed in her heart) and the attitude appears sassy or rude. Ugh… to dive down deep and help her erect the root issue…this takes patience and emotional energy. BUT, there is ALWAYS a deeper issue. ALWAYS.
Now, does this excuse the disrespect? Does this excuse the way she may treat me or Daddy at the moment?
NO WAY!!!
However, as her mom/coach/disciple maker, I need to help her gain emotional intelligence and be more aware of her emotions, but more importantly how she handles them. It’s been said that emotions (like guilt, anger, shame, fear ….etc) are just that. Neutral. IT’S WHAT WE DO WITH THEM THAT MATTERS. Sometimes, she might not even know she is experiencing shame until she processes it out. But, when she has a not so pretty attitude, I now know there is more to it.
OK, here is an example:
When she woke up this morning, she had a bit of an edge. It was just a feeling I had. Then she had a disrespectful response to a question I had. She came out an apologized immediately and she said, “I just have a lot on my mind from school.” Now, remember, this was from a whole day ago, and she finally realized she had something from school which was causing her attitude.
In the car, I said, “I am here for you if you want to talk.” She was silent. Then at our breakfast place, she again was rude in a response. FINALLY, she said, “Mommy, I lied.”
Ok, I’m listening.
She continued, “Yesterday, I told Carley I have a cat named Toby; I don’t know what to do.” She commented that this was why she had been grouchy today and disrespectful. AGAIN, not excusing it, but I understood now.
We had a fruitful talk about what to do. She has a choice. She can continue on the lie and continue it with more lies. OR, she can say, “Hey Carley, I was just kidding yesterday about having a cat. My brother has one and I like to pretend I do too.” DONE. OVER. MOVE ON.
She LOVED that idea. Clears the conscience. Makes things right.
It’s so hard with girls sometimes. Really, all of us have emotions, but having the intelligence to name our emotion and be healthy in our responses, this is a whole other level of maturity most of us don’t have. I must discipline, yes but also give her grace and love. I want her to feel SAFE coming to me (and she is safe being “real and raw” with her emotions with me!) (better take it out on me than her teacher or out in public).
I love you, Tatum. We are on a journey together. I’m so proud of you telling me the truth and feeling safe to share! Be steadfast and keep rocking! (like this cute little rocking horse!)
