I find “good girl!” slipping out of my mouth constantly when I see something that Tatum does well. I’m trying to be more cognizant of my word choice as I praise or correct her.
For example, today, she was putting the books away so neatly, and I said, “Good back!” (she says “back” for “put back”) However, today I also found myself praising her for being so quiet and respectful at the restaurant today as she ate her lunch. I reached over and said, “you are being such a good girl.” Immediately, I had to follow it by saying, You are eating your food so politely.”
Why is this so important; this distinction?
It matters because soon she will equate doing a good job on something with who she is…bad or good. She messes up? She will automatically assume she is a BAD person. Never is this the case. Love and acceptance based on behavior sets a condition to my love. Kevin Leman, noted psychologist says, “Our ultimate example is God himself, who loves us unconditionally with an unqualified love. We can always come to him, even when we have botched it. Perhaps the greater truth is that we can come to him especially when we have botched it.” She may do a bad thing, but my love for her never wanes, and she knows that the statement, “Mom will love Tatum when (or if) she puts up her toys” could NEVER be true. Statements like that send a strong message to children that their behavior and their personhood are equal. TERRIBLE.
He looked at you Tatum after he created you and said, “[It] is GOOD!”
