Last Sunday, I felt like a child back in kindergarten completely ill-equipped for the life of parenting. In fact, after putting her to bed on Monday night, I cried and thought I was failing miserably at this job. What was it that set it off? I tried to bite off more than I could chew. Moreover, I did not realize I was causing Tatum unneeded crying and whining which could have been avoided had I set her up for success. And MOREOVER, I was taking her little un-adorable behaviors (which are very few) personally. BUT, what has been missing from my parenting is oddly enough, Love and Logic which is what I use in my classroom as a philosophy for discipline and management. I tell my students everyday what I expect of them and communicate constantly (well, I hope I do!) Why have I not been doing this with Tatum?
So, it started in church on Sunday. I figured she could sit in the service if I provided needed toys and much comfort. The music was perfect as she danced along in her much-needed sitting position. But then, about 5 minutes into it, the toys I provided started going down on the floor and she wiggled and squiggled. Out and in of the service….out and in of the service….we did this multiple times and she just got more annoyed as did I. She probably could (and does) feel my trepidation about having her NOT whine and cry. Finally, after reading a bunch this week and talking to some close people in my life, I have been trying new tactics. This Sunday, I can look back and see a monstrous change. (no pun intended)
The difference? Giving her choice and communicating with her constantly about what I expect and what her behavior should look like. That way she makes the choice not to perform or to perform. Also, the choices I give her allow her to feel independent and that she has a bit of control; these options for her are: 1. Which of TWO outfits 2. Which of TWO bibs 3. Which of TWO or THREE books…and anything which is not super critical.
Next, she was tossing something when she was finished with it including her babies. Anyway, this was even happening in the car from her car seat. I modeled how to say, “thank you” then hand me the toy/baby/bottle/book. Then I made her do it over if she did not do it. Amazing! She now hands me the babies or her bottle or whatever she is playing with and says, “thank you,” and I say it back with much appreciation. (Today in church it was pretty funny because she said “thank you” after every little toy she played with)
She still will toss baby, but if she does, she loses it until further notice. It has diminished down to once a week maybe from many times a day!
Next, I tell her what we will be doing in the next few moments. Then I can tell her what I want her to do in that setting. Example: We go into church today and I told her that I will be giving her a bag of toys and she can play with them. I also told her I expect her to be a lady in church and not make noise or move around. She ended up sitting next to me the whole time. We did have to go out once; I placed her on my lap in the lobby and told her that she is doing great, but she has to remember that it’s a place of quiet. I encouraged her and asked her if we could try again. She did great. Then I gave her cheerios and she ended up lasting the whole service.
This is by no means MY doing. I am just treating her like a young lady who can understand and follow my direction (WITH LOTS OF LOVE). I can tell she is yearning for this as she loves to test, but when redirected and left with the correct way to do it, she sees my glee and wants to have THAT kind of mommy. (not the disappointed one).
When we got home from church, earned back her babies (which went into the sink this morning) and she happily picked up her ball and was ready to play.
Hopelessness did overtake me last week. I am continuing to learn that it is one day at a time; one behavior at a time. There is not “easy” path, hence each day requires a lot of prayer for wisdom and the RIGHT attitude.