Category: Parenting

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Coming to conclusions. Day by day; minute by minute

It was all hearsay. It was written about by countless authors. It’s been researched and discussed for years. And, it dates back to the beginning of time: Rearing children. All of a sudden, it’s become the topic of countless books and millions of blogs. What has changed? Have children become different in the past 30 years? Has parenting become any different than it was thousands years ago? All I know is there are more books on how to solve this or that and surviving motherhood. What has changed? I did not realize that motherhood was something to be “survived” and that there may potentially be so many issues to solve.

The only thing that I can see that has changed is one thing. We don’t parent any longer, and I am part of that statistic for the first year of Tatum’s life. Sure, I did the best I could do, but she was away from me more than she was with me due to my need to earn a living. It’s a necessity, and I am not diminishing this truism.

So, now I can come out with it wholeheartedly. Day care parented my child from 4 months to 16 months of life. When I decided to come home full time for this year, I never realized how much more work parenting really is if I am to truly guide her into a responsible, loving, Godly woman. But, one thing is for sure. Children need their parents full time AT LEAST until the age of 3.

Realizing the importance of making the right decision becomes more apparent daily. Here is one case in point:

Tatum is enrolled in a Musicology class (which I was given as a wonderful gift). We attend this lively 45-minute music, dance, and rhythm class every Friday with about 5-6 other mom or nanny/kid combos. For the most part, the children are well-behaved because they are being parented by their mom and being guided by the instructor. Nevertheless, there seems to be always one in the group who proves that not all parents are equal. (I realize not all children are either, but the discipline still has to exist).

As we sat around the two large central drums “to wake them up,” one of the almost two-ers decided to sit and then stand on them. Upon countless pseudo-warnings from mom (“Do you want a time out?”), the child won and did not have to get off the drum. Mom gave up. Then she proceeded to do her own thing the whole time in class including throwing her toy and having a bit of a crying fit when her way was not accepted. It was obvious who was in charge. Now, my point in sharing this is not to condemn or criticize. It’s only to point out to me that this could be Tatum if I did not have the time to pour into her right now. She demonstrated the kind of behavior that was NOT OK, and I had the chance to SHOW Tatum what was not acceptable. If she was not with me, she’d have to figure this out herself or at least she’d try it out on me in our mini “quality time” sessions which I discuss in “If it were a normal year” post.

Next, during the circle time singing, Tatum wandered off to the corner (which she seems to do often). I did not know this was a normal Tatum thing, but apparently she does this when she is overstimulated or needing a break. She probably did this many times at day care, and now hopefully I can help her through the fears or the apprehension (or the belligerence?)  I still did have to take her out a few times and tell her that I expect her to be part of the group and not wander off. “We need to show respect to the instructor or we cannot be part of the class.” She got it, testing me a few more times. Whatever the result, I’m there to guide her, not day care person. Many of the kids needed to be taken out and “talked to,” and unfortunately only one other mother did this. It helped immensely for her LO as well. When a mother warns countless times and does nothing except give another warning, the kid ultimately wins. 

Finally, when the children were in the “discovery” mode picking out various instruments from the overly large plastic bin, Tatum was overpowered by many of the other kids her age but much larger than her. During this time, many of the moms tune out and socialize. What I’m noticing is horrific! Kids are whacking each other with their drumstick/rattle/bell/frog, stealing from each other, taking over someone’s space… YIKES! I’m watching Tatum acquiesce and decide she does not need an instrument. NOT OK. I decide I will try to navigate all these kids and introduce sharing and caring behavior. Tatum finally got to play with some. Being a helicopter parent is not my plan, but at least I know I can start her on the right foot with sticking up for herself politely. This showed me even more that at daycare it was probably worse. How often did the day care provider have her back turned when Tatum was poked, prodded or pounced upon?

Each day I discover more and more how much FUN she is to be with and how much more we have to look forward to doing together. Often just being together has been enough. SURE, she has her meltdowns and her testing times, but it’s different now. I know it can be over and done with and we have the next moment to enjoy.

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Day by day. Minute by minute.

Thank you, Father for this opportunity and making it possible this year. Day by day. Minute by minute I am coming to conclusions I already had made. Now the theory is turning into reality.

 

 

 

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If it were a “normal” year…

I’d be headed back to school tomorrow for the new year to begin. Normal is not in my vocabulary right now as I ponder what is really normal? Is normal putting Tatum in day care from 7:45-4:15 five days a week? Is normal moving back in with my mom after being on my own (thank you very much) for almost three decades? Is normal going full throttle into my career in education, obtaining a doctorate in three years and teaching passionately for the past ten plus years…and then putting it on hold for…a what? A child?

Yes. It should be normal. It should happen without a bat of a questioning eye or a fearful wink. It should just be…normal.

I have a choice here. Do I focus on what I’m giving up? OR do I focus on what I’m gaining? This is a choice I will make every single day as I’m with her e..v…e…r…y   s…i..n..g..l…e day from dawn to dusk.

Oh, there is one more choice. I could go to my classroom every single day and teach my heart out. I’d be fulfilled beyond professional measure because I’m working with my favorite middle school age group with a fabulous staff and a phenomenal school. My career would be going swimmingly as I continue to learn and grow as a professional educator. Then, I’d pick up Tatum from her school at 4:15ish, rush her home and force that “quality time,” making sure we’d have fun fun fun. If she acted out (which she often does by the end of the day), our fun would turn into the magic of “undoing.” The undoing (discipline) would be the focus of our evening instead of the relationship we would have built in the time she would have been with me. (Of course she is going to act out if I’m home all day, but at least we’d have a strong foundation of a relationship. Rules without relationship lead to rebellion.)  Then, I’d have to get her to bed quickly by 6:30 so she could have a quality 12 hour night’s sleep. The next day, then, I’d have to get her up at 6:30 and rush her to school so I could get to school on time myself. The weekends would be “our time.” Isn’t this what is normal these days for working professionals?

Normal. Hmm. Just could not do it this year. Not when she is going from the age of two to three. Just couldn’t do it. (I will give a caveat in that there were incredible benefits from having her in daycare/school for the past 18 months. She made friends, learned to be very social, and gained some skills in learning).

Learning so much about the crucial first three years of life, I opted to make an gargantuan change this year. Case in point:

Girl child starts to exhibit little un-lovely behaviors. (not uncommon for any toddler) Now, some would say…”NORMAL.” Perhaps this comes from an unmet need…. or is it something she has seen in the daycare? The child never ever ever acts out at school, so she comes home and tries it out on mom. What will she do? Will she notice me? Give me attention? Yes! I got a rise out of her!

Moreover, what about the intense feelings the child gets when she walks into school. (some do and deal with their emotions with shutting down or winding up) Her cortisol levels rise and this much activity among peers can be overwhelming to an under two year old. Navigating through this is scary without mommy. THEN, when she is confronted with any stress or negativity, who is there to guide her with feedback? The childcare giver? The childcare giver is navigating 5-10 other toddlers! Plus, how does one know it’s positive?

Finally,  when mommy is with said child, it’s “quality” time. This means mommy is constantly attending to her. When mommy is  not, it’s not natural for her, and she gets clingy. Also, it’s difficult to discipline her when mommy sees her so little. Then when mommy does, this is the vision and memory of the mommy…the disciplinarian.

 

I again will repeat, “Rules without relationship leads to rebellion.” Without the depth of a tight relationship (through time spent together) ,what I tell her or how I guide her may not stick and may lead to worse rebellion. This way, she learns to trust me and know that I truly love her enough to discipline her. The “OTHER” hours I’m with her, we can have fun and she’ll WANT to be with me. SO, why would she want to act out?

“Pay me now or pay me later.” It may not be “normal” or even popular and most people put their child in daycare. These three years must be foundational and crucial. Otherwise, I pay it later in the teen years and so will she. How else can I help her to embrace Jesus and her Father God as much as I do? By trusting and believing in Him as I step out of the boat and walk in faith this year. Normally.

 

 

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Mastering the bits

I see now why moms (mostly moms with infants) have duck fins. They are constantly moving, yet remain calm on the surface. If a moment arises to sit and NOT move, it is treasured like appreciating a Phoenix sunset. The rarity of it makes it very hard to actually relax because the moving never ends; the moving of not only every limb of the body but the mind.

Writing gives me a chance to remain reflective and introspective; I constantly am analyzing my Tatum-raising while probably ignoring every other ruminating opportunity. That is perhaps why this blog has morphed into “Totally Tatum.”

Pre-Tatum, and as a single gal no kids, my world really was filled with Totally Steph. As much as I would like to defend my altruism through being an educator or a giver of my time to my church…or as an all around good person who loves others,  I always could come home to my house and my couch with my bible or favorite book and my homemade meal on my schedule…all completely taken for-granted and really not realizing it was all about me. How could I know what I did not know? And how could I know what the other side would be like? One cannot possibly judge either world until, as Atticus Finch says, “You walk around in [his] shoes for a while.”

In fact, I think that Washington D.C-ites or School boards/decision-makers cannot really be considered credible unless they have ANY CLUE as to what they are defending. For example, people making decisions about insurance formularies or coverage are NOT usually physicians or pharmacists. People making decisions about what is best for education are NOT teachers or home-school parents. People who make decisions about funding for our military have NOT been in the military experiencing first-hand the importance of the U.S. being a strong nation.

Removing myself from this waxing eloquent pedastal which really is just some fierce wonderings, I am learning to appreciate and master the bits of uninterrupted time to just sit; to just appreciate; to just be. Tatum has given me this gift; the gift of true gratitude. And an appreciation of the importance of mastering the bits.

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Teething times two and Tantrums!

Her two top teeth are breaking through the skin. Just typing that, I cringe in pain. The great thing about teething is that I can blame all her fussiness, nose-running, diaper rashes etc on this…. Sure.

So, teething tabs to the rescue. First, let’s read the label…Ahhh “Natureopathic” OK. Should work, right?
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Tada!
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OK.. now we are ready for church.

IMG_3480No fussy baby allowed. Our usual routine is to arrive for the singing and partake in the melodies! Upon that, we get to meet and greet and Tatum can practice her, “HI!”

The smile….. Little does she know we are going to ATTEMPT the infant nursery. IMG_3481

To my chagrin…..She lasted about 1 minute and then literally screamed her head off until I came. She is used to her friends at Temple Chai (her daycare) but not at City of Grace yet! ….so, I rescued her and we retired to the “Serenity” room. They have a screen and couches. While “listening” I can play with her on the floor. Curious Tatum covers the perimeter of the room and scopes it out. She is reaching for the staaaaa…ok, not so much…the knob.

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Overcoming and Persevering. She gets it!

Morgan, my sweet cousin, is only 12. TWELVE. She is no stranger to struggle and suffering. However, her strength of character and will far surpasses any adult I know. She has the maturity of a beautiful woman, but with child-like faith. Bright. Shining. Hopeful.

I love you Morgy.

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She wrote this speech to give to her co-op group. I hope it inspires you as much as it did me.

Suffering

Why? Why does God allow suffering? No one wants to suffer. It seems everyone would rather live their happy lives without it. In my opinion, if God didn’t care about you, He wouldn’t let you suffer. He takes the time to let you suffer because He is working in your heart and wants to help you.

Most people think suffering is a curse, something that you want to avoid. But I have experienced deep pain and suffering, so I sorta know what its like. But here is a story that touched my heart:

A friend of mine sent me a link to a video one day, I clicked on it and it was called, “Clouds” by Zach Sobiech. It was a story of a boy with Osteosarcoma. Osteosarcoma is a cancerous bone tumor that develops in children. Zack has endured several surgeries and months of chemotherapy. At the end of may in 2012, he had cancer in both his pelvis and his lungs. There are no effective treatments left. He has a matter of months left to live. His response is to greet every day with joy and hope. This boy is an inspiration to me. I think God does definitely care about him in the midst of his suffering.

Secondly, God lets you suffer because suffering is part of the plan to make you into something wonderful. You aren’t going to have a perfect life, that’s the reality. Here is my story:

 I was eight years old when I first discovered my allergies, I was at irregular weight for an eight year old… People weren’t what you would call “friends” with me… I prayed and prayed and hoped and wished but my allergies only got worse… I had no friends. On top of that I was being bullied… no one wants to be bullied, I was bullied for 3 years… When it finally stopped. I was 11. Though I tried not to be bitter, my allergies got worse and worse and all I wanted to do was give up… I was starting to doubt that God loved me, that I even believed He existed. I didn’t want to go to church. I didn’t look like a normal eleven year old. I was angry at the world, at God, at myself. One night I was in my room mad at everything, when I heard God say to me, “What will you have if you give up? I let you into this because I have a plan…” I told my wonderful mom, who has helped me through every minute and every second of my pain. My mom would always say, “God has a plan, and he sure loves you or He wouldn’t bother to put you through this.” And I realized that it wasn’t my allergies that were making me mad, it was not having God entirely in my life. Psalm:42 1-2: “As the deer pants for the water brooks, so my soul pants for you, O God. My soul thirsts for God, the living God.” I started fresh again and when I discovered I had Pre-diabetes, sure, it was terrible, I wasn’t very happy about it, but I had come so far and I didn’t want to give up, God was working in my life and he loves me! I have changed, though I don’t look the way I would want, be the size, shape, and weight I would want, God is working on the inside, and it’s the inside that counts. Though I was hurting, God helped me through.

 Proverbs:3:5-6: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.

God gives you nothing you can’t handle without him. If you couldn’t handle it, then He wouldn’t have given it to you in the first place. He loves us all! No matter how much you are feeling burdened with un-trust and pain. He WILL help you through! He uses suffering to work in your heart. It will make you a stronger person, a stronger Christian, and have a stronger relationship with God.

So of course suffering is hard, you should not turn away from God if you are struggling. I read the bible and it gave me hope. Joshua:1;9: “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go!” So trust Him. God is going to make you stronger. No matter how hard or long it is, He has a glorious plan for you, and suffering is just a piece in the gigantic puzzle.

May God continue to bless and keep her in the PALM OF HIS HANDS.

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Dearest Mom

Dear Mom,

Six months ago, our lives looked completely different. We both could not have imagined the changes which were about to pervade our lives.

I must share with you the abundance of feelings that overwhelm me today, this Mother’s Day 2013.

First, you have sacrificed so very much for me. No longer have you had the opportunity to have your own time; it’s been enveloped with Tatum and me. That has to be hard, although joyful, it’s hard after you have been so independent for so many years. I recognize that beauty of all that you have done.

You have opened your house up and overhauled it in record time. You did not need to do this, and I know you say you would have, but deep down, I know how difficult it has to have been for you; not only physically, but emotionally. Years and years of items you have accumulated which were very meaningful, you have had to rifle through and make decisions about. And for what? Me. You cannot fathom the depth of my appreciation.

Next, you have had to put up with my stress with a new baby, moving out of a comfort zone, and a difficult injury. My moods are not always so pleasant, and yet you have been there through it all. Again, your sacrifice and your selflessness overwhelm me and make me so grateful.

I can only pray that I can be as lovely as you have been to me all of my life. Not one moment goes by where I doubt how much you love me with all of your heart. I want Tatum to know that kind of love. I’m so very blessed to have you. And now, I get to raise my daughter with you. There is no greater gift that I can imagine.

May you never forget, and may I always remind you how much I love you.

Thank you for being my mom.

Love,

Your daughter and your granddaughter

Steph and Tatum

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25 RULES FOR MOTHERS OF DAUGHTERS

A friend of mine sent this to me: (not sure of the source!)

25 RULES FOR MOTHERS OF DAUGHTERS

1. Paint her nails. Then let her scratch it off and dirty them up. Teach her to care about her appearance, and then quickly remind her that living and having fun is most important.

2. Let her put on your makeup, even if it means bright-red-smudged lips and streaked-blue eyes. Let her experiment in her attempts to be like you…then let her be herself.

3. Let her be wild. She may want to stay home and read books on the couch, or she may want to hop on the back of a motorcycle-gasp. She may be a homebody or a traveler. She may fall in love with the wrong boy, or meet mr. right at age 5. Try to remember that you were her age once. Everyone makes mistakes, let her make her own.

4. Be present. Be there for her at her Kindergarten performances, her dance recitals, her soccer games…her everyday-little-moments. When she looks through the crowds of people, she will be looking for your smile and pride. Show it to her as often as possible.

5. Encourage her to try on your shoes and play dress-up. If she would rather wear her brother’s superman cape with high heals, allow it. If she wants to wear a tutu or dinosaur costume to the grocery store, why stop her? She needs to decide who she is and be confident in her decision.

6. Teach her to be independent. Show her by example that woman can be strong. Find and follow your own passions. Search for outlets of expression and enjoyment for yourself- not just your husband or children. Define yourself by your own attributes, not by what others expect you to be. Know who you are as a person, and help your daughter find out who she is.

7. Pick flowers with her. Put them in her hair. There is nothing more beautiful than a girl and a flower.

8. Let her get messy. Get messy with her, no matter how much it makes you cringe inside. Splash in the puddles, throw snowballs, make mud pies, finger paint the walls: just let it happen. The most wonderful of memories are often the messy ones.

9. Give her good role models- you being one of them. Introduce her to successful woman- friends, co-workers, doctors, astronauts, or authors. Read to her about influential woman- Eleanor Roosevelt, Rosa Parks, Marie Curie. Read her the words of inspirational woman- Jane Austen, Sylvia Plath, Emily Dickinson. She should know that anything is possible.

10. Show her affection. Daughters will mimic the compassion of their mother. “I love yous” and Eskimo kisses go a long way.

11. Hold her hand. Whether she is 3 years-old in the parking lot or sixteen years old in the mall, hold on to her always- this will teach her to be confident in herself and proud of her family.

12. Believe in her. It is the moments that she does not believe in herself that she will need you to believe enough for both of you. Whether it is a spelling test in the first grade, a big game or recital, a first date, or the first day of college…remind her of the independent and capable woman you have taught her to be.

13. Tell her how beautiful she is. Whether it is her first day of Kindergarten, immediately after a soccer game where she is grass-stained and sweaty, or her wedding day. She needs your reminders. She needs your pride. She needs your reassurance. She is only human.

14. Love her father. Teach her to love a good man, like him. One who lets her be herself…she is after all wonderful.

15. Make forts with boxes and blankets. Help her to find magic in the ordinary, to imagine, to create and to believe in fairy tales. Someday she will make her 5 by 5 dorm-room her home with magic touches and inspiration. And she will fall in love with a boy and believe him to be Prince Charming.

16. Read to her. Read her Dr. Seuss and Eric Carle. But also remember the power of Sylvia Plath and Robert Frost. Show her the beauty of words on a page and let her see you enjoy them. Words can be simply written and simply spoken, yet can harvest so much meaning. Help her to find their meaning.

17. Teach her how to love- with passion and kisses. Love her passionately. Love her father passionately and her siblings passionately. Express your love. Show her how to love with no restraint. Let her get her heart broken and try again. Let her cry, and gush, giggle and scream. She will love like you love or hate like you hate. So, choose love for both you and her.

18. Encourage her to dance and sing. Dance and sing with her- even if it sounds or looks horrible. Let her wiggle to nursery rhymes. Let her dance on her daddy’s feet and spin in your arms. Then later, let her blast noise and headbang in her bedroom with her door shut if she wants. Or karaoke to Tom Petty in the living room if she would rather. Introduce her to the classics- like The Beatles- and listen to her latest favorite- like Taylor Swift. Share the magic of music together, it will bring you closer- or at least create a soundtrack to your life together.

19. Share secrets together. Communicate. Talk. Talk about anything. Let her tell you about boys, friends, school. Listen. Ask questions. Share dreams, hopes, concerns. She is not only your daughter, you are not only her mother. Be her friend too.

20. Teach her manners. Because sometimes you have to be her mother, not just her friend. The world is a happier place when made up of polite words and smiles.

21. Teach her when to stand-up and when to walk away. Whether she has classmates who tease her because of her glasses, or a boyfriend who tells her she is too fat – let her know she does not have to listen. Make sure she knows how to demand respect – she is worthy of it. It does not mean she has to fight back with fists or words, because sometimes you say more with silence. Also make sure she knows which battles are worth fighting. Remind her that some people can be mean and nasty because of jealousy, or other personal reasons. Help her to understand when to shut her mouth and walk-away. Teach her to be the better person.

22. Let her choose who she loves. Even when you see through the charming boy she thinks he is, let her love him without your disapproving words; she will anyway. When he breaks her heart, be there for her with words of support rather than I told-you-so. Let her mess up again and again until she finds the one. And when she finds the one, tell her.

23. Mother her. Being a mother – to her – is undoubtedly one of your greatest accomplishments. Share with her the joys of motherhood, so one day she will want to be a mother too. Remind her over and over again with words and kisses that no one will ever love her like you love her. No one can replace or replicate a mother’s love for their children.

24. Comfort her. Because sometimes you just need your mommy. When she is sick, rub her back, make her soup and cover her in blankets – no matter how old she is. Someday, if she is giving birth to her own child, push her hair out of her face, encourage her, and tell her how beautiful she is. These are the moments she will remember you for. And someday when her husband rubs her back in attempt to comfort her…she may just whisper, “I need my mommy.”

25. Be home. When she is sick with a cold or broken heart, she will come to you; welcome her. When she is engaged or pregnant, she will run to you to share her news; embrace her. When she is lost or confused, she will search for you; find her. When she needs advice on boys, schools, friends or an outfit; tell her. She is your daughter and will always need a safe harbor – where she can turn a key to see comforting eyes and a familiar smile; be home.