Developing Empathy

Today, I heard a crash in Tatum’s room right after I put her down for a nap. Then I heard five more. I knew she did not want to go down, but this was not expected. Every day, I put in books in her crib so she can read and chill a bit as she falls asleep. (This is only in the daytime) Today, I put in her three Jesus books and two others. What do you suppose was the crashing noise?

Yes….all the books came tumbling down the back side of her bed.

I rushed in with a very sad look on my face. Then I said, “Oh my gosh! Jesus! You dropped Jesus!! Tatum? That is so sad!” Then I proceeded to pick them up and place them on the dresser as I caressed and kissed the five books. She had a look of sorrow as well…deep sorrow. Then I walked out. She screamed for her books! I let her calm down, and then I proceeded to walk back in. I merely said, “What do you say?” She then apologized and heaved from her crying. I said, “Maybe we need to try this again, what do you think? Do you want to read or not?” She said she did, and I let her have them back. The rest of the “nap” was her singing and talking to her books as usual.

Now, what I am learning is that she is comprehending happy vs. sad. We see these emotions in the books we read, and now when we see someone crying or mad…or when I am upset with her, I say I am sad. (or she asks me happy? sad?) She knows this means things are not going well. Tatum seems to be developing a beautiful piece of empathy. To be able to feel bad with me even when she has done wrong is something I don’t think I could have seen her do if I was gone all the time. How could I cultivate it? It comes from a relationship that we are building together.

Mommy becomes very sad if Tatum doesn’t mind her, and Tatum does not like a sad mommy.

 

Good girl vs. good job

I find “good girl!” slipping out of my mouth constantly when I see something that Tatum does well. I’m trying to be more cognizant of my word choice as I praise or correct her.

For example, today, she was putting the books away so neatly, and I said, “Good back!” (she says “back” for “put back”) However, today I also found myself praising her for being so quiet and respectful at the restaurant today as she ate her lunch. I reached over and said, “you are being such a good girl.” Immediately, I had to follow it by saying, You are eating your food so politely.”

Why is this so important; this distinction?

It matters because soon she will equate doing a good job on something with who she is…bad or good. She messes up? She will automatically assume she is a BAD person. Never is this the case. Love and acceptance based on behavior sets a condition to my love. Kevin Leman, noted psychologist says, “Our ultimate example is God himself, who loves us unconditionally with an unqualified love. We can always come to him, even when we have botched it. Perhaps the greater truth is that we can come to him especially when we have botched it.”  She may do a bad thing, but my love for her never wanes, and she knows that the statement, “Mom will love Tatum when (or if)  she puts up her toys” could NEVER be true. Statements like that send a strong message to children that their behavior and their personhood are equal. TERRIBLE.

He looked at you Tatum after he created you and said, “[It] is GOOD!”


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Rain rain don’t go away

“Stay with me as I run around and get all wet.”

Remember those days when you did not care if your hair got soaking wet? IMG_5415

Today, Tatum could not get enough of the teardrops from the sky watering down on her little head. We had to wait outside of a friend’s office, and while we did, I allowed her to “escape” the awning and experience the beauty of the rain.
When we got home, as we walked Coti, there it was. A RAINBOW! Coincidentally, we were reading a board book about Noah’s Ark yesterday, and now she could put the picture to the real thing. I also had the opportunity to explain that this was a visual of God’s Promise to us to never flood the earth (and more importantly that HE KEEPS ALL OF HIS PROMISES!) That secures her knowing that HE LOVES HER no matter what and FOREVER. IMG_5421We can stand on that truth!

Up, down and around

Yes, I buy her a drum and she is more interested in opening it up and taking out the instruments and putting them back in. Most parents would love this, but I model for her banging away!

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She takes the shaky egg and decides to go in Coti’s house to hide (with the egg!)

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Then it’s UP/DOWN in front of the mirrorIMG_5399 IMG_5400

And all around…IMG_5402 IMG_5403 IMG_5404

What amazes me is that each day she is a new creation in my eyes. Tatum’s curiosity and observant mind shines on her face and is infectious. I can’t help but laugh and cry at her beautiful spirit. Gleefully, she is more interested in BEING the instrument than playing it. IMG_5408 IMG_5409 IMG_5410 IMG_5412 IMG_5413Her BIG personality explodes out of her tiny 30 inch body. It’s a joy to be her mommy.

 

The Heart and Soul

“Yesus…Yesus??” These words came out of Tatum’s mouth today as she requested two of her Jesus books during her “nap time.” Wow. How can I help her fall in love with Jesus? Show His love to her and be the Jesus she’s getting to know. Be kind, graceful, gentle, patient, loyal, trustworthy, yet, courageous and strong.

IMG_5350When she sees Jesus, she sees the Father. Her Father. My Father.  He will never leave her nor forsake her. He will be the true North of her life as he is mine.

The Missing Tile

Every day I come across people who have it all. Ok, they appear to, but then as I talk to them, I find out that they too have deficits. These so called deficits are self-imposed. Dennis Prager talks about this as “The Missing Tile” syndrome. Whatever it is at the moment that we don’t have, we tend to find EVERYONE else has it. Example: let’s say that you are in need of a car. You have a fine car actually and it runs perfectly, but you want a new one. All of sudden, you notice all the new cars on the road and your focus is on your lack thereof. Dennis talks about an example of a bald man who   seems to notice everyone’s hair. No one with hair even thinks about their plethora of follicles, but the bald man laser beam focuses on his lack of them.

How easy it has been lately for me to be one of these people with MTS (missing tile syndrome). Tatum goes to houses with many children (they have brothers and sisters) and lots of cool toys. These houses also have a mommy and a daddy present. These houses also their houses…Etc..I could go on, but that just fuels the fire, and what kind of example am I setting for Tatum!? Plus, how miserable to be stuck in the MTS abyss.

The other day, I was over at a dear friend’s house. She and her husband had just purchased this home and had created such a warm, classy environment. It took everything in me to not let the green bug bite me. Then I realized…WAIT! If I did not have Tatum, I could have this. They want a Tatum of their own and wish for that. See? We both want something so dear, yet fall into not seeing what we have right in front of us. Tatum? She is content holding her babies; her TWO babies actually. Did you catch that? She is content holding something dear to her and appreciating it. It does not mean she does not yearn for more. I’m sure she would love to have a full baba at all times and a constant supply of animal crackers.

IMG_5344Sometimes, we don’t hold the people in our lives dear; we think that happiness is on the other side of (_____ fill in the blank). Oddly enough, when I speak with other women, they suffer from their own form of MTS. Whatever it is…lack of career at the moment, lack of alone time, husband issues, health, step children issues… We ARE MISSING THE MEANING OF OUR LIVES as we wallow in the ” I don’t have this my way right now” problem.  

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The meaning of our lives comes from how much we love…how much are we loving those around us. How grateful are we for what we do have?
I will choose not to focus on that ONE missing tile in the ceiling and focus on the beautiful mosaic of present tiles.

Changing Tatum

For the better. Her fascination with the things around her keeps me very observant as I have not always been in the past. How can you be when every second of your life is taken up with something BUSY!? Her hunger is quenched with books, and it absolutely stuns me how she seems to be falling in love with Jesus without me telling her to read about Him. She just picks it up on her own.

IMG_5353 IMG_5350 IMG_5348And not just Jesus, but every book. In fact, she just cannot get enough of her WORD books, letters, and of course choo-choo and doggie books.A

l am also a different person. At any time, I can sit (on command as she says, “Mommy, sit” like I’m her little doggie.) I usually do and we play froggie bounce

IMG_2140 or we read as she points out things.

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Or we play with Coti…

IMG_5356How wonderful that she knows I’m around. She also understands if I’m busy at the moment because she trusts that I’ll be with her momentarily since I don’t have to rush off to work etc..

Her love for me is stronger too, as evidenced by how we interact. Just today, she rubbed my arm in church and just said, “Mommy,” as she looked into my eyes. I started balling of course! Also, it was only 2 months ago where Tatum was throwing things when she got frustrated (or was finished with them) This morning in church (where she used to toss her toys when she was frustrated since she had to sit) she handed me her toy and said “go boom?” That means, can I be done with this now?  Things that go down go boom…So she was asking permission. Wow.

Not a single day goes by where I don’t lift up my hands in worship  and gratitude to my Father in Heaven. He has made all of this possible, and my biggest prayer is that Tatum can know Him…truly KNOW HIM.