Month: August 2014

It was all hearsay. It was written about by countless authors. It’s been researched and discussed for years. And, it dates back to the beginning of time: Rearing children. All of a sudden, it’s become the topic of countless books and millions of blogs. What has changed? Have children become different in the past 30 years? Has parenting become any different than it was thousands years ago? All I know is there are more books on how to solve this or that and surviving motherhood. What has changed? I did not realize that motherhood was something to be “survived” and that there may potentially be so many issues to solve.

The only thing that I can see that has changed is one thing. We don’t parent any longer, and I am part of that statistic for the first year of Tatum’s life. Sure, I did the best I could do, but she was away from me more than she was with me due to my need to earn a living. It’s a necessity, and I am not diminishing this truism.

So, now I can come out with it wholeheartedly. Day care parented my child from 4 months to 16 months of life. When I decided to come home full time for this year, I never realized how much more work parenting really is if I am to truly guide her into a responsible, loving, Godly woman. But, one thing is for sure. Children need their parents full time AT LEAST until the age of 3.

Realizing the importance of making the right decision becomes more apparent daily. Here is one case in point:

Tatum is enrolled in a Musicology class (which I was given as a wonderful gift). We attend this lively 45-minute music, dance, and rhythm class every Friday with about 5-6 other mom or nanny/kid combos. For the most part, the children are well-behaved because they are being parented by their mom and being guided by the instructor. Nevertheless, there seems to be always one in the group who proves that not all parents are equal. (I realize not all children are either, but the discipline still has to exist).

As we sat around the two large central drums “to wake them up,” one of the almost two-ers decided to sit and then stand on them. Upon countless pseudo-warnings from mom (“Do you want a time out?”), the child won and did not have to get off the drum. Mom gave up. Then she proceeded to do her own thing the whole time in class including throwing her toy and having a bit of a crying fit when her way was not accepted. It was obvious who was in charge. Now, my point in sharing this is not to condemn or criticize. It’s only to point out to me that this could be Tatum if I did not have the time to pour into her right now. She demonstrated the kind of behavior that was NOT OK, and I had the chance to SHOW Tatum what was not acceptable. If she was not with me, she’d have to figure this out herself or at least she’d try it out on me in our mini “quality time” sessions which I discuss in “If it were a normal year” post.

Next, during the circle time singing, Tatum wandered off to the corner (which she seems to do often). I did not know this was a normal Tatum thing, but apparently she does this when she is overstimulated or needing a break. She probably did this many times at day care, and now hopefully I can help her through the fears or the apprehension (or the belligerence?)  I still did have to take her out a few times and tell her that I expect her to be part of the group and not wander off. “We need to show respect to the instructor or we cannot be part of the class.” She got it, testing me a few more times. Whatever the result, I’m there to guide her, not day care person. Many of the kids needed to be taken out and “talked to,” and unfortunately only one other mother did this. It helped immensely for her LO as well. When a mother warns countless times and does nothing except give another warning, the kid ultimately wins. 

Finally, when the children were in the “discovery” mode picking out various instruments from the overly large plastic bin, Tatum was overpowered by many of the other kids her age but much larger than her. During this time, many of the moms tune out and socialize. What I’m noticing is horrific! Kids are whacking each other with their drumstick/rattle/bell/frog, stealing from each other, taking over someone’s space… YIKES! I’m watching Tatum acquiesce and decide she does not need an instrument. NOT OK. I decide I will try to navigate all these kids and introduce sharing and caring behavior. Tatum finally got to play with some. Being a helicopter parent is not my plan, but at least I know I can start her on the right foot with sticking up for herself politely. This showed me even more that at daycare it was probably worse. How often did the day care provider have her back turned when Tatum was poked, prodded or pounced upon?

Each day I discover more and more how much FUN she is to be with and how much more we have to look forward to doing together. Often just being together has been enough. SURE, she has her meltdowns and her testing times, but it’s different now. I know it can be over and done with and we have the next moment to enjoy.

Day by day. Minute by minute.

Thank you, Father for this opportunity and making it possible this year. Day by day. Minute by minute I am coming to conclusions I already had made. Now the theory is turning into reality.

I’d be headed back to school tomorrow for the new year to begin. Normal is not in my vocabulary right now as I ponder what is really normal? Is normal putting Tatum in day care from 7:45-4:15 five days a week? Is normal moving back in with my mom after being on my own (thank you very much) for almost three decades? Is normal going full throttle into my career in education, obtaining a doctorate in three years and teaching passionately for the past ten plus years…and then putting it on hold for…a what? A child?

Yes. It should be normal. It should happen without a bat of a questioning eye or a fearful wink. It should just be…normal.

I have a choice here. Do I focus on what I’m giving up? OR do I focus on what I’m gaining? This is a choice I will make every single day as I’m with her e..v…e…r…y   s…i..n..g..l…e day from dawn to dusk.

Oh, there is one more choice. I could go to my classroom every single day and teach my heart out. I’d be fulfilled beyond professional measure because I’m working with my favorite middle school age group with a fabulous staff and a phenomenal school. My career would be going swimmingly as I continue to learn and grow as a professional educator. Then, I’d pick up Tatum from her school at 4:15ish, rush her home and force that “quality time,” making sure we’d have fun fun fun. If she acted out (which she often does by the end of the day), our fun would turn into the magic of “undoing.” The undoing (discipline) would be the focus of our evening instead of the relationship we would have built in the time she would have been with me. (Of course she is going to act out if I’m home all day, but at least we’d have a strong foundation of a relationship. Rules without relationship lead to rebellion.)  Then, I’d have to get her to bed quickly by 6:30 so she could have a quality 12 hour night’s sleep. The next day, then, I’d have to get her up at 6:30 and rush her to school so I could get to school on time myself. The weekends would be “our time.” Isn’t this what is normal these days for working professionals?

Normal. Hmm. Just could not do it this year. Not when she is going from the age of two to three. Just couldn’t do it. (I will give a caveat in that there were incredible benefits from having her in daycare/school for the past 18 months. She made friends, learned to be very social, and gained some skills in learning).

Learning so much about the crucial first three years of life, I opted to make an gargantuan change this year. Case in point:

Girl child starts to exhibit little un-lovely behaviors. (not uncommon for any toddler) Now, some would say…”NORMAL.” Perhaps this comes from an unmet need…. or is it something she has seen in the daycare? The child never ever ever acts out at school, so she comes home and tries it out on mom. What will she do? Will she notice me? Give me attention? Yes! I got a rise out of her!

Moreover, what about the intense feelings the child gets when she walks into school. (some do and deal with their emotions with shutting down or winding up) Her cortisol levels rise and this much activity among peers can be overwhelming to an under two year old. Navigating through this is scary without mommy. THEN, when she is confronted with any stress or negativity, who is there to guide her with feedback? The childcare giver? The childcare giver is navigating 5-10 other toddlers! Plus, how does one know it’s positive?

Finally,  when mommy is with said child, it’s “quality” time. This means mommy is constantly attending to her. When mommy is  not, it’s not natural for her, and she gets clingy. Also, it’s difficult to discipline her when mommy sees her so little. Then when mommy does, this is the vision and memory of the mommy…the disciplinarian.

I again will repeat, “Rules without relationship leads to rebellion.” Without the depth of a tight relationship (through time spent together) ,what I tell her or how I guide her may not stick and may lead to worse rebellion. This way, she learns to trust me and know that I truly love her enough to discipline her. The “OTHER” hours I’m with her, we can have fun and she’ll WANT to be with me. SO, why would she want to act out?

“Pay me now or pay me later.” It may not be “normal” or even popular and most people put their child in daycare. These three years must be foundational and crucial. Otherwise, I pay it later in the teen years and so will she. How else can I help her to embrace Jesus and her Father God as much as I do? By trusting and believing in Him as I step out of the boat and walk in faith this year. Normally.